Welcome to the official mod-sanctioned recap of ep 636: Millie Vanilli Bobby Flay, I’m your two time recapper Stabitha von Murderfist. This’ll be my second recap of MBMBAM, and the second episode of MBMBAM I’ve listened to in… a while. I don't remember when I stopped listening and as I unsubbed I have no way to check. Possibly early or mid way through grad? Doesn't matter. I was also tempted to, due to my lottery winning entry, to just put an extremely long MBMBAM Aristocrats joke, but that would require me to write an extremely long MBMBAM Aristocrats joke and I’m not doing that. In my previous recap I took a controversial stance of Griffin being the villain of the show (due to cutting bits off and the wizard), with Travis leading the jokes and such. Let’s see if that was an outlier or a trend (or if I was just lucky). The summary is immediately dire, so I am not filled with hope:
This episode IS for the cool babies! We’ve got some visual elements in this for the kids out there, including kid-friendly food challenges, cool toys like marbles and capos, and our popup kitchen, McElsnacks!
Nothing like food talk to make a MBMBAM episode fun… This will be a liveblog so my opinion may change. Intro still says the episode is not for kids – would have been funny if they badly dubbed over that it is for kids, but I'm not the professional comedy podcaster here. ONE TWO three four TBH the main issue with the intro is it is a bit too long – should fade out so the intro blurbs overlap with the song more. Start talking about posting videos on the TikTok and Youtube – Justin was unaware that the Richard Stink video was on Youtube. Comes up because Justin is wearing… goggles..? They also said binoculars and refer to him having / attaching marbles so idk. It is all rather unclear but they are at least having fun so it is pleasant noise rather than dull noise, you know? Justin is talking about adding visual elements since they are putting up videos – I thought he might have just been wearing new glasses but the other two make it seem like he is doing something wacky. It leads to this exchange:
Justin: I’m trying to incorporate more visual elements […] there can be visual elements for the kids, and audio elements for the adults. Griffin: I will say thought that the majority of our audience still does live in the audio space, and so when we do these things they won’t get that and they’ll hate that. And they’ll either tell us they hate that and that hurts my feelings or they’ll stop listening and supporting us.
If we get a Wizard like what is going on in his brain. Travis suggests a video-only mascot that is not talked about in the audio that appears in the corner. With my listening to this after the latest Defunctland joint about the Disney channel music this is an unintentionally prescient parallel to something good. I am also reminded of other podcasts who will take the time to describe a visual element and then say where people can find photos of said visual element. Travis says visual things bad because he keeps getting distracted by what Justin is doing. Hashtag relatable. Also weird doing this since, as discussed elsewhere, they only upload the full audio and not the full video to Youtube. The uploads are done by an employee as well, so fingers crossed they take some of this and alchemy like allow us to see what the hell is being talked about. Apparently, Travis lets his kid watch Youtube Family™ videos which is probably the worst thing I have heard from him, in relation to her seeing families sleep in a bouncy castle and wanting to do that. However! Justin also starts talking about parenting stuff and it’s not, like, funny, but it is actually flowing naturally, they sound engaged and natural. Griffin does not join in however, saying it got too real. Someone psychoanalyse this please. They cut it off and Justin reads the first question at 6:40.
My girlfriend recently proposed to me by setting up a beach picnic (Travis interjects that it is a bold move, as it can be very risky re: wind – which I had been thinking myself), with some of my favourite foods including a butternut squash pasta dish. As she did not have access to the recipe, I usually use she improvised by using an entirely different recipe. Problem is I actively dislike this recipe. Obviously I wasn’t going to say anything to hurt her feelings or ruin the proposal, but now wants to make it regularly. How do I sidestep it without admitting I never liked the engagement pasta?
Immediate talk about social media ninjas wanting the engagement pasta.
Do I admit I don’t like our engagement pasta, putting a cloud over a very thoughtful and wonderful engagement, or resign myself to eating imposter pasta for the rest of my life?
Travis uses gaslighting! Tell them it doesn’t taste the same anymore (maybe it is missing love). It is not very effective as Griffin points out that would immediately end your relationship, causing Travis to pivot to wanting to only bring it out on special occasions. Moving away from the question Griffin questions why beach pasta isn’t a thing – and no it is not pasta salad, but hot pasta so don't @ them on Mastadon. Using his years of experience of marriage, Justin points out they don’t need to worry as it will come out – after all the fiancé will ask if they love it and will notice their hesitation and thus it will come out. You could also just ask a pretty popular podcast that there is a reasonable chance your fiancé also listens to about this very identifiable and specific situation. But that’s just my thoughts. They finally point out my immediate thought: question asker makes it so they can get it to their taste. I also don’t know why the OG pasta recipe was unavailable to the girlfriend – if the question asker loves it so much she could have asked for the recipe saying she wanted to learn how to make it, right? Like if I’m cooking something for my girlfriend I ask her how she would like it and, you know, would learn how to do that if needed. And unless the question asker keeps the recipe secret for some insane reason if you’re ready to get married surely you’re ready to share a recipe for something that the girlfriend has presumably eaten, right? They challenge the listener to send them both recipes so they can do a blind taste test to find out which partner loves the other more and it’s pretty funny.
Justin: …put it before a panel of judges that will include Ina Garden, Bobby Flay, and (for no reason) Millie Bobby Brown. Griffin: Millie Bobby Flay is the new food network we ran out of ideas. It’s Millie Vanilli Bobby Flay c’mon we have no idea left.
From that reasonably entertaining segment Griffin brings up wanting to set the Wizard upon us :( The Wizard is “How to become a Fool”, filed under the “fun activities” section of Wikihow Travis rightfully points out how uselessly broad that category is. The brothers look at the category and see titles ranging from How To Pop A Balloon, How To Have Computer Fun, to How To Perform Grindcore Vocals. Griffin immediately realises these are all infinitely more interesting than his choice. But then goes back to his prepared topic. *sigh* you were so close to interesting content there Griff. Point one of being a fool is to make assumptions. Thankfully Travis brings up the saying of assuming makes an ass out of u & me makes no sense as how does you assuming make me an ass. Riffing on BBC Sherlock drunk phone charger such for a bit. Point two is don’t read your insurance policy. Point 3 is don’t have a legal eye look over your contracts. They point out that 2 & 3 fall under making assumptions. They deduce (or perhaps assume..?) that the article is written by someone trapped by Wikihow due to not reading their contract and having bad insurance (seems legit). Step 4 – overextend yourself financially: governments that have national credit acts and have passed strict laws surrounding the borrowing and lending of money are to be commended. Jusin says the most amazing WOW (20:28), or maybe it’s that this has all been pleasantly benign that it seems outrageous. Step 5: Stand surety for someone else’s debt (Griffin doesn’t know what this means). The Wikihow then talks about how the bible says do not do this. Justin: Do you think the author turned it in and Wikihow said you can’t call it the libertarian agenda, and then he was ‘well, what about this’. Discussing it Travis seems more educated on the bible than Griffin as he is aware of things that are in the bible, where Griffin also does not know that the bible contains information about contracts and finance. On this trend Justin googles the bible + fool and starts reading bible quotes re: fools, suggesting putting the clips up on tiktok sans context. Okay, they’re starting to warm up here and getting a bit more joke heavy than pleasantry, tho I am consistently surprised at how uneducated they come off on the contents of the bible. They're also turning me around on the chosen article, so I will retract my earlier disdain.
Justin: “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool” – that’s how Joe Rogan starts every episode.
Personal tangent: I’ve been getting ads for this podcast called What Future and it is the absolute most insulting piece of dogshit ad I have ever heard and absolutely makes me hate the show and the host specifically. Like we give Maxfun ads rightful grief for their terribleness, but this is just so unappealing and frankly insulting straight from 2006 nerd culture shit. Listen to it here and suffer too! Anyways, Justin is continuing to read the bible, and is astounded by the outrageousness of some of it. It’s kinda nothing, but a few jokes here and there. Travis continues to come off the most versed in the bible.
Griffin: What does the bible say about not using the internet with the correct security slash anti-virus settings?
Okay that got a laugh out of me – you win this round Wizard slash Griffin. Good timing and turning this into a long winded setup for the real weirdness of the article’s author’s brain. Other advice includes don’t try to change a man/woman, and don’t have an affair unless it’s an agreed upon facet of an open relationship. They posit that disclaimer was added in post, especially given it goes on to say don’t slander, don’t make false promises and then don’t forget to read contra-indications on natural health products or medications. I do have to give the Wizard this one that this was a weird ass article that has given them material and they all riffed on it, there were no interruptions of bits and omg okay the last one has me in stitches I won’t spoil it because god that was out of left field lmao This was a really good example of what the Wizard could be – pure text, lots of different sections with opportunities for jokes and riffs (which they followed through on), kinda batshit to start with. It does highlight how disappointing every other Wizard is though! I continue to hope Griffin branches out from visual Wikihow to more niche advice/articles like this, but I am not expecting it. I think an issue with a lot of the “weird” Wikihow articles is that they are simply over earnest, and thus seem kinda cringe to disaffected and aloof millennials, but like aside from going haha person like Sonic there is not actually any comedy there. This article, however, is actually strange in that it swings from vague to hyperspecific and is weirdly tinged with some very specific author opinions. Of course, these articles are actually the minority of articles so the Wizard will struggle so long as Griffin constrains it to one source. Quora, the Neopets forums, and so many others are out there. Or, as others have said, just take the article title and answer it. Or grab a few of them and mash them up – how to make grindcore balloons idk I’m not getting paid for this but it can be done! Anyways, the Wizard is put away and Travis reveals he went to a Dave Matthews concert the previous night, showing his brothers something… which is him putting on sunglasses and becoming Dave Matthews, presaging a Travis Dave Matthews bit. Look, I will admit to being a Travis bit enjoyer, and this is good with Travis staying in character while the other two dunk on him from his inconsistent voice to not having the sunglasses ready and having to go off camera, while he discusses advancing the Dave Matthews’ brand. Dave Matthews explains he does not sound anything like expected due to his performance last night. The bit is getting the remaining two brothers to guess which celebrity’s product line Dave Matthews is describing – market research, not a game. The first is a line of baby strollers, which Griffin guesses correctly. There was only one though as he (Dave Matthews) then starts rambling about how he is wanting to make a movie? It is so incoherent I love it. Justin is asking about movies Dave Matthews has actually been in. But no, it is none of them, and I am laughing too much to describe the next bit because it is just so bizarre and I’m in tears David Cronenberg weird sex oscar is mentioned. Dave Matthews jokes himself into a corner and they roast him for overreaching, and he rolls with it as they go to the money zone. God I wish Travis brought this insane energy to all his DMing. This crazy energy reminds me of my favourite Frasier episodes – the restaurant one, the party one, the writing a book one etc. My Frasier hot take is that Niles / Daphne is garbage and where the show started sucking. Niles / Roz tho… opposites attract! They challenge each other’s shit! Not creepy stalker! Stichfix ad mentions a sweater looks like Chris Evans’s one from Knives Out. Going to see Glass Onion tomorrow with my girlfriend so looking forward to that :) Dr Gameshow ad. Look, compared to true crime ads and the aforementioned worst ad in the world, it’s not terrible. Also compared to how many ads iHeart jams in MaxFun is very low-ad, and don’t have a pre-roll either. Munch Squad begins. Given the first half of the show has been pretty good, Justin’s on thin ice here. Wendy’s have some new sandwich. I’m from Australia where Wendy’s is an icecream place so there’s always a bit of what with this stuff. Italians have their own separate heaven from everyone else. As it should be. Justin loves this release so much that he vows to make it a MaxFunDrive stretch goal to get it tattooed on his body. Remember this, fellow fourths, it will come in useful later. There has been a bit of good joking about this one, but it is still discussing a chicken burger, and we were ominously warned there would be two offerings this squad. Griffin is going to get Dave Thomas saying give me sloppy tattooed on him as a MaxFunDrive goal. Chicken sandwich wars return… Mr_Incredible_I_Can't_Not_Again_ I'm_Not_Strong_Enough.jpeg Oh thank god it was only a brief mention that they put ingredients on twitter. Travis wonders if the current Twitter situation will affect Much Squad reporting re: fake accounts. Candlenights will be online and, as Travis says, they are going to cyber. Looks like my Aristocrats joke wasn’t far off after all! As an aside out of morbid curiosity I once looked at the MBMBAM tag on AO3 and yeah, it was a whole lot of psychic damage because jesus what would possess you to write that??? The slash between the brothers was like okay freak (I've been on the internet since the mid 90s so I have seen it all and am numb inside), but the one where someone wrote about a brother and their wife was just… hmmm this is super uncomfortable. I think if you did any of that you should not be allowed near a keyboard unsupervised ever again. Anyways! While Griffin is summing up Justin is making his haunted doll do fortnight dances and creeping him out. They also mention that they are donating to an indigenous charity for store sales – brothers lurk on TazCJ / watched the SarahZ vid confirmed. Justin has to do the outro, and they try and look up either a comforting (but not Jesus-y) bible verse, or an ultraviolent if you lie cut your own head off and throw it in a volcano one. Eat your own feet. So it was pretty good! Not a classic, but there were some really funny bits, there was zero interrupting, they riffed and joked and played off of each other really well. If I had not heard the show before and someone got me to listen to this I would consider listening again! Hell, I might consider listening again! Oh, I completely forgot the pop-up restaurant bit was like two sentences in there somewhere at the start. Literally can’t remember the context, something to do with “if crypto can have a restaurant why not us” but don’t remember how they got there. Also realised when proof-reading that there was only one question. But I didn't notice as the bits didn't drag so I wasn't thinking "this should be a question" you know? At worst they were at least all engaged and talking together rather than at each other. 7/10 The end.
Winter snowfall can go from beautiful to deadly in a matter of hours. Whether you're at home, on the road, or camping in the wilderness, it's important to know how to keep yourself safe until the sun comes out again. Read on to learn how to survive a winter storm and get prepared for the next one that hits.
Staying Safe if You're Caught Outside
Stay inside your car or tent. When the snow starts piling up and it becomes clear that you're stuck on the road or your campsite, your best bet is to stay there. Venturing out in the snow increases the mortality rate in this type of situation, since visibility is usually close to zero and the temperature and wind are unpredictable its not worth the risk. Hunker down and plan to wait out the storm.
If you're with other people, do not send a person out for help. This is extremely risky and is not likely to end well. It's important to stay together until the storm has passed or you're rescued.
If you're stuck outside without a car or tent, it's imperative that you find some sort of shelter. Seek out a cave or an overhang, or look for a tarp or other materials you can use to fashion a shelter. If all else fails, build a snow cave to serve as insulation.
Keep warm and dry. Keep the windows rolled up or the tent flap closed while you're inside. Wrap your coat, blanket, tarp, or any other type of material you have with you around your body to stay warm and to prevent frostbite. If you're with another person, use each other's body heat, too.
If you're out in the wilderness, build a fire close by to keep warm and serve as a signal to attract attention.
If you're in the car, let the engine run with the heat on to stay warm. However, it's very important that you don't keep the engine running if the exhaust pipe clogs with snow; this could lead to carbon monoxide poisoning, which is deadly.
Stay hydrated. This is a very important way to keep your body healthy while you're trapped. If you don't have a water supply, stay hydrated by melting snow and drinking it. Put some in a container and melt it using the fire you built or your car's heater.
Do not eat snow. This is harmful to the body. Melt the snow and drink it instead
If you have food, ration it to make it last over several days. Do not eat full meals.
Determine what to do when the blizzard is over. When the snow stops falling and the sun comes back out, your physical state will help you determine what comes next. You may be able to dig your way out of your car or tent or walk away. If that seems impossible, wait for help to arrive.
If you're on a road, you can be fairly sure help will come soon. People have survived for over a week waiting for help in the car, so sit tight.
If you're in the wilderness and are afraid no one will find you, you may have to hike to safety on your own. Get your bearings and set out in the direction of civilization.
Get medical treatment if necessary. If you or someone in your group gets hypothermia, remove cold, wet clothes immediately and use hot water bottles and warm fluids to warm up.
Taking Safety Measures in Your Home
Stay indoors as much as possible. In blizzard or white-out conditions, visibility can be very limited, even during daylight. Snowdrifts can hide familiar landmarks. Becoming lost and unable to return to shelter is a real possibility.
Keep warm and dry when you do go out. Wear several layers of loose fitting, lightweight, warm clothing rather than one layer of heavy clothing. The outer garments should be tightly woven and water repellent. Most heat escapes the body through the top of the head and the feet, therefore always wear a hat and mittens, which are warmer than gloves.
Be careful to not become soaked by water or sweat – this can cause body related problems. Your skin should stay dry and moderately warm.
Have backup heat. Winter storms can knock out the power, and when this happens the house will quickly grow cold. Aside from having plenty of blankets around, you might want to build a fire in the fireplace to generate more heat, or use a backup generator to keep the power on.
Never light a grill or coal stove inside the house. This could lead to carbon monoxide poisoning. Using a generator inside is also extremely dangerous.
Keep the family in one central location, and close the doors leading to the other rooms. This will concentrate the heat in one area, which will be easier than heating the whole house.
Stay fed and hydrated. Drink liquids and eat plenty of food to keep your body's energy high and prevent dehydration. Shovelsafely. Many heart attacks and back injuries occur when people used to a sedentary lifestyle attempt to shovel snow. It's extremely heavy work. If you don't work out regularly, see if a neighbor has a snow blower or is willing to help shovel. Take your time shoveling, take frequent rest breaks, and drink plenty of water. Clear the roof. After a very heavy snowfall, you may need to clear your roof, ideally with a roof rake. Otherwise the weight of the snow may damage your house, especially flat or low-angle roofs. Be sure your air intake for the house is clear, to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning. During a power outage you may not have a functioning alarm. Make sure others survived the storm. When the storm has passed, and you are safe, check on your neighbors, especially the elderly. Check your property for damage and repair anything dangerous. Stay aware of the possibility of a second wave storm.
Help clean up. If the storm has left snow, shovel your sidewalks. Dig out the nearest fire hydrant. Find and dig out your car.
Preparing for an Incoming Winter Storm
Watch the local news. Some storms arrive suddenly, but usually the local weather team can give you some warning that there is a chance of a storm. In addition, during a storm, the radio can give you information on storm intensity, storm tracking and other emergency information. Stock up on supplies. Have enough medication, food, water, fuel, toilet paper, diapers, and so on stocked in your home. Make sure you have enough supplies to last at least a week. Ensure your first-aid kit is well stocked. Have plenty of extra sheets and blankets available.
Get plenty of candles and matches. When the power goes out, you will need to have light to see. Be sure you have extra batteries. Always use caution when using candles.
Purchase self-powered radios and flashlights. Some of these models will also charge your cell phone. Also purchase light sticks as well.
Make sure you have water. Cleaning, then filling the bathtub is a good way to store water. You can quickly pour water directly into the toilet bowl to flush it. If bad comes to worse, you can melt snow to get water.
Turn off the main water supply and open faucets. This will prevent water from freezing in the pipes and rupturing them, thereby avoiding future expensive damage.
Be sure to insulate any lines that will be exposed to the cold.
Have a backup heat source. Have a fireplace, wood stove, or kerosene heater available to keep you warm. You could also buy a generator for backup electricity. Be sure you know how to use these sources safely, and have appropriate fuel at hand. Be careful to conserve energy if you're anticipating a long power outage.
Inspect your chimney to make sure it's clean and in good condition.
Check the batteries in your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors as well.
Tips
Don't forget that you have several gallons of potable water in your water heater. Drain some if necessary. If you drain all the water be sure to turn off the water heater and make sure there's water in it before you turn it back on.
Consider outside temperature in your decision-making. If the temperature is above freezing, you have different options than if it is bitterly cold out. You can be in a cold house, and be slightly uncomfortable, and not be in any danger. Use any fuel for cooking food and heating water rather than to trying to heat your house a few scant degrees.
Conserve as much fuel and water as possible. Although most power outages are only for a few hours or days, it could be longer. You do not know how long you will be without power or assistance.
If your local power company has a power outage line, you can call to report outages and find information about power restoration.
Stop to enjoy the snow. Assuming it is safe outside go for a walk, take time to enjoy how quiet and tranquil it is with no cars on the streets. Make a snowman. Admire the sparkle of the icicles.
Use emergency shelters if they are available and you need them. If your house is unsafe to stay in, if you have young children, elderly or ill people at home especially consider this. There are no medals for doing things on your own.
Make sure that you stock up on enough food and water for at least a week.
Warnings
Maintain plenty of ventilation when working with gas and kerosene stoves and heaters.
If there are downed power lines keep well away from them. Downed power lines may still carry electricity (even if the power is off) in voltages that can be lethal. Call your power company to alert them to the danger.
Drive as little as possible; stay off the roads to free them for emergency management crews and people seeking shelter.
Keep dry. Despite the cold you could be sweating a great deal. Wet clothing loses insulating qualities and transmits heat out of the body quickly. Change your clothing often and stay dry, especially when you're active outside.
If snow is above the exhaust pipe of your car, shut the car off to prevent carbon monoxide poisoning.
Ice and snow are heavy. Much of the damage from these storms comes from broken tree limbs and snow falling off of roofs. When you are outside make sure you are not in harm's way.
If you have time, clear the area around your home from older or dead tree limbs that could break under the weight of the snow.
I've made a Python 3 script for saving information about NHK World's VOD videos, including the video URLs, episode names and descriptions. The script updates a JSON file which contains the data. You can download my JSON file here: https://mega.nz/file/d4ZUFASK#HQW6qlMXIIVD-34OZy1fglXoxN1XOa7uwTpEF0bqIqo FFmpeg needs to be installed to check the validity of the 1080p reference videos, here's a guide for how to do this on Windows: https://www.wikihow.com/Install-FFmpeg-on-Windows Note that VOD video URLs are still accessible for some time after the video has expired! If you have any questions please ask! :)
import json import urllib.request import os import subprocess def main(): json_file_name = 'nhk_vod_data.json' if os.path.isfile(json_file_name): with open(json_file_name) as json_file: nhk_vod_data = json.load(json_file) else: nhk_vod_data = [] print('Getting JSON') json_url = 'https://nwapi.nhk.jp/nhkworld/vodesdlist/v7b/all/all/en/all/all.json' with urllib.request.urlopen(json_url) as response: new_data = json.load(response) previous_vod_ids = set() for episode in nhk_vod_data: previous_vod_ids.add(episode['vod_id']) new_episodes = [] for episode in new_data['data']['episodes']: if episode['vod_id'] not in previous_vod_ids: new_episodes.append(episode) print('New episodes: '+str(len(new_episodes))) for episode in new_episodes: print(episode['analytics']) url = 'https://player.piksel.com/ws/ws_program/api/67f5b750-b419-11e9-8a16-0e45e8988f42/mode/json/apiv/5?refid=nhkworld&prefid='+episode['vod_id'] with urllib.request.urlopen(url) as response: j = json.load(response) episode['ws_program'] = j['response']['WsProgramResponse']['program'] episode['video_urls'] = {} def add_url(key, asset_file): url = asset_file['rtmp_url'].replace('rtmp://mz-nhk10.kipf.fmsod.stream.ne.jp/mz-nhk10/_definst_/mp4:', 'http://mz-nhk10.mzpf.webcdn.stream.ne.jp/www60/mz-nhk10/media/').split('?')[0] episode['video_urls'][key] = { 'url': url, 'filesize': asset_file['filesize'], 'video_width': asset_file['videoWidth'], 'video_height': asset_file['videoHeight'] } for asset_file in episode['ws_program']['asset']['assetFiles']: key = asset_file['rtmp_url'].split('?')[0].split('_')[-1].replace('.mp4', '') add_url(key, asset_file) add_url('reference', episode['ws_program']['asset']['referenceFile']) episode['reference_tests'] = {} episode['reference_valid'] = True for i in (1, 2, 3): quarter = int(episode['movie_duration'] / 4) url = episode['video_urls']['reference']['url'] ffmpeg_cmd = ['ffmpeg', '-ss', str(i * quarter), '-i', url, '-t', '0.1', '-xerror', '-f', 'null', '-'] if os.name == 'nt': ffmpeg_result = subprocess.run(ffmpeg_cmd, capture_output=True, encoding='utf-8', errors='ignore', creationflags=subprocess.CREATE_NO_WINDOW) else: ffmpeg_result = subprocess.run(ffmpeg_cmd, capture_output=True, encoding='utf-8', errors='ignore') last_line = ffmpeg_result.stderr.splitlines()[-1] episode['reference_tests']['quarter'+str(i)] = last_line if not 'muxing overhead' in last_line: episode['reference_valid'] = False nhk_vod_data.append(episode) with open(json_file_name, 'w') as f: json.dump(nhk_vod_data, f, indent=2) if __name__ == '__main__': main()
My exhaustive attempt to figure out whether a raptor would work as a pet
It’s not hard to see why everyone’s so into raptors, out of all the prehistoric animals. They have all the classic cool dinosaur traits, but they’re also small enough that it’s easy to imagine them interacting with humans, whether as predators or as faithful pets. The pet portrayal in particular has gotten a lot of traction with the new Jurassic World movies, where a pack of tamed raptors are an important element (and a lot more memorable than any of the human characters). If it’s any indication of the idea’s popularity, when I worked as a summer camp counselor I had several kids claim that they owned pet Velociraptors (although I was told they were invisible so I couldn’t see them). So, could you actually keep a pet raptor, assuming they were still alive or brought back through some genetic black magic? I set out to try and answer the question as best I could. TLDR at bottom bc this ran stupidly long What is a “raptor''? From a paleontology standpoint, a raptor is anything in the clade Dromaeosauridae. The members of this group all share sickle-shaped toe claws, semi forward-facing eyes, and sharp teeth. It is almost certain, though unverifiable through the fossil record, that all of them were feathered as well. The similarities don’t go much further though. The smallest members of Dromaeosauridae, like Microraptor, possessed full wings and flight capability, while the largest, such as Utahraptor, grew to the mass of a grizzly bear. For the purpose of answering this question though, let’s specifically focus on those species with the “classic” raptor size and body plan. The movie Velociraptors are really reconstructions of Deinonychus, but given the slightly cooler name of a related species- as per Greg Paul’s reconstructions, they represent animals of around 130-160 lbs. The real Velociraptor was a good bit smaller, at around 35-40 lbs. So for this question, we’ll assume we’re talking about how to train, feed and house a raptor of somewhere between 30 and 160 lbs. How would I care for a raptor? First off- our care needs. How easy would it be for us to feed and house a Dromaeosaur? For housing, we can look to modern large flightless birds as an analogue. FarmandAnimals.com says that a mature adult ostrich needs a minimum 1-3 acres of space to roam. We might not even need that much space though, since ostriches are a bit bigger than most raptors, and they tend to run a lot whereas that doesn’t seem to have been the case for the raptors, in a deviation from their common portrayal as pursuit-predators. So let’s use 1 acre as our minimum Captive Raptor Containment Area size. In other words, a decent backyard could suffice. Figuring out feeding could prove a little trickier. Science doesn’t have a precise way of figuring out dinosaur metabolisms. While it could be assumed that Dromaeosaurs, as active small animals, had higher metabolisms than the big herbivores, we can’t easily calculate feeding costs from that. As for what to feed them? Luckily, we still have a lot of the same food-animals around today. Dark meat from wild game birds would be a decent approximation of raptor’s diets 100 million years ago, although today the accumulation of environmental toxins could be a concert. Of course, our pet raptor would do best if given a chance to hunt for itself. But to do that, we would have to take after the movies and provide some training. Could a raptor be trained? The animals considered to me the most trainable: dogs, dolphins, chimps, elephants- are the ones that naturally live in extended social groups. Social animals are used to learning through mimicking others, and are more responsive to the trainetrainee hierarchical. As such, the answer to how trainable a raptor is depends in large part on how social they were. And answering that question from nothing but fossils is…pretty tricky. That’s not the same as saying it’s impossible, however. We know that some dinosaurs were social through finding multiple nests and brooding parents fossilized in close proximity to one another. At the Egg Mountain site in Montana, we see evidence of the Hadrosaur Maiasaura nesting together by the hundreds. Similar aggregations of Ceratopsians and Sauropods are known, but no comparable raptor fossil site has been uncovered. By itself, the lack of evidence for raptor social groups doesn’t prove they were solitary animals, since we can’t prove that there aren’t raptor nesting colonies waiting to be found. However, a research paper from 2020 by J.A Fredrickson uses chemistry to provide some more evidence for loner raptors. This paper compared carbon isotopes present in teeth from adult and juvenile raptors, and found that they had fairly different isotopic makeups. This difference was taken as evidence that juvenile raptors ate different foods from adult ones- which is to say that the juveniles were not being fed by parents, or helping adults take down larger prey. Instead, they seem to have been alone since childhood like Dickensanian orphans. Just because there is strong evidence against the Jurassic Park model of highly sociable raptors doesn’t mean they couldn’t have been trained though. Modern birds of prey are also solitary animals, but the sport of falconry has thrived for thousands of years. The training simply looks a little different, and it usually doesn’t extend to things like jumping through hoops or dancing to an organ grinder. So, if we imagine that training a raptor would be like training a modern, well, raptor, the main goal of training would be to associate proximity to the trainer with food (assuming we’d already acclimated our raptor to some human sounds and smells). Falconers use thin leather straps called “jesses” to affix the bird to a glove and keep control during the early stages of training, but in our case we would presumably need a specially fitted leash and harness. After enough of this acclimation, the pet raptor could be allowed to roam free, and would likely return to the human who it had learned to associate with food and with being “home base”. In this way, the captive Dromaeosaur could be allowed to exercise its hunting instincts (assuming you were letting it roam in the savannah and not in a daycare), and could even provide meat for humans. So what would the personality of a fully trained raptor look like? Would it always be semi-feral, or could it eventually turn into a dinosaurian lapdog? If we continue to assume that modern birds of prey are the best analogue, we can get some good insights by looking at the Instagram pages for the different birds kept by the American Eagle Foundation. The AEF cares for birds of prey that can’t be safely released into the wild, so these pages provide a good look at how these animals behave in captivity. As per their page on George the captive turkey vulture, their birds of prey are not affectionate as humans would understand the concept, but they do show fondness for certain handler’s presences. This is backed up by most other literature on predatory birds- they might not get friendly with humans, but they can get comfortable. It is worth noting that the AEF birds all engage in play that closely mimics their wild behaviors- hunting things and ripping them up. The captive vultures, for instance, are seen in videos tugging on shoelaces and clothing in imitation of how they would disembowel a carcass in the wild. And this raises the big question: How safe would I be with a pet raptor? Wolves are among the most effective predators in the world, but despite the fact that dogs are descended from them, I don’t have the slightest modicum of fear that my schnoodle is going to decide to rip my face off one day. Beyond the fact that most domestic dogs haven’t been bred for aggressive behavior, my schnoodle has been trained since he was a couple months old to avoid doing anything that hurts his owners. Could we ever get to that point of comfort with a domestic Velociraptor? The hitch would be that, as discussed, raptors were most likely not pack animals. In other words, there would be no inbuilt instinct to obey an “alpha” and avoid hurting a pack-mate. Most falconers agree that there’s no reliable way to discipline a bird of prey through negative reinforcement. That isn’t to say that, as in some media portrayals, raptors would be itching to attack humans at all times. Once our pet raptor was trained to associate the owners with food, it would most likely be inclined to try and keep the food coming. However tame they are though, captive birds-of-prey have deadly reflexes, and are frequently known to bite or claw when startled- there’s no reason to suspect a Velociraptor would be any different. And it would certainly be a tall order to try and fight off a 50lb feathered beast trying to slash you to death- at least if the brilliant and vitally important Wikihow article is any indication. That’s often how the story goes with captive animals that aren’t specifically bred for tameness. It’s easy to find stories of people being killed or mauled by pet snakes, tigers, chimps and more. And ostriches too, it appears. TLDR: You probably could house and train a raptor, but not to the extent shown in Jurassic World. The Jurassic Park franchise portrays Dromaeosaurs as analogous to Mesozoic wolves, but they likely had more in common behaviorally with hawks and falcons, and care for them would need to reflect that. But this is all hypothetical, right? It’s not as if IRL rich people are dumb enough to try and make Jurrassic Park. And even if they were, there’s no way anything remotely raptorlike could be CRISPR-ed into existence . So maybe it’s all moot.
Going off the grid is an attractive option for those who want more self-sufficiency and less dependence on the currently established institutions. Creating a life where you are no longer dependent on the electrical grid means you produce your own power, collect or pump your own water and often grow your own food. While this life is not for everyone, it is becoming increasingly popular as more people want to assert their independence and reduce their reliance on fossil fuels. Some people choose to go partially “off the grid,” still relying somewhat on the linked system that delivers electricity and water to the masses, while others prefer to be completely self-sustaining.
Ways to Live Off the Grid
There are many different reasons people choose to live off the grid. Some simply want to save money while others are preparing for the possibility of a life-altering change to our way of living. Either way, living off the grid can be a viable option if you’re looking for a radical change in lifestyle. Here are the most common ways people live off the grid.
Roughing It
Going completely off the grid, meaning you do not rely on the government for electricity, water, gas or septic, is called “roughing it”. This is the least expensive option and requires you to commit to significant lifestyle changes. If you choose this option, you will likely need to build a small home on a piece of land that is basically a ‘dry cabin.” This means it will likely have no running water, plumbing or electricity. You would need to build an outhouse for sanitary needs and have a well, rainwater catchment or river nearby for drinking and bathing. Most people who “rough it” grow their own food in their garden and build a small homestead to accommodate their families needs. You will need to do something similar if you want to be completely independent, as most people who “rough it” do. While some people who “rough it” have a generator or solar panels that produce some electricity, many choose to forgo it all together. You could choose to rise and set with the sun and use alternative cooking and refrigeration methods as well. Before jumping into this lifestyle, you will need to decide if you are ready to face the challenges set forth by “roughing it.”
Half-On/Half-Off the Grid
A good compromise for anyone who doesn’t want to completely “rough it” is to live half on and half off the grid. This means that you don’t rely heavily on the modern system but still use the grid when needed to live a more modern lifestyle. For example, you may still be hooked up to the city’s electricity for cooking or lighting at night, but avoid using it during the day. You may also be hooked up to the city’s sewage system, yet use a well to pump water into your home. Every half-on, half-off lifestyle is different, and it can include many different combinations of self-reliance with moderate reliance on the grid. Many people find that living half-on/half-off the grid allows them to live comfortably and extremely affordably. If you have children or are just testing the waters of an off-grid lifestyle, this might be a good option for you. If you want to participate in this lifestyle, you will likely want to further your independence by growing your own food, making your own cleaning and hygiene products and raising chickens or livestock.
Modern Off-Grid Lifestyle
The modern off-grid lifestyle is probably the most popular option for living off the grid. It allows for almost all of the conveniences modern lifestyles afford, using technology to remain self-sufficient. While this is often the most expensive option up front, it can help you cut your costs drastically in the long run. Your goal in this situation is to rely on the grid for very little or nothing. If you decide to go off-grid in this form you will want to have a way to harness electricity. The most common way to do this is by using solar panels on your roof. Some people also choose to harness wind or water power if there is a flowing water nearby. Many who live a modern off-grid lifestyle dig a well and attach an electric well pump to harness running water straight from the ground. Some also like to have a hand crank option, just in case the electric well Many who live a modern off-grid lifestyle dig a well and attach an electric well pump to harness running water straight from the ground. Some also like to have a hand crank option, just in case the electric well pump fails. Your indoor bathroom can run to a septic tank instead of the sewage system (learn more about how to take care of a septic tank here). You will be able to shower and bathe normally if you are able to pump clean water into the house. If you have a modern off-grid setup you should be able to cook normally with modern appliances. However, most people who live a modern off-grid lifestyle choose to grow their own food, make their own cleaning and bathing products and raise cattle or chickens.
Steps to Living Off the Grid
If you decide living off the grid is something you would like to do you will need to approach it as a step-by-step process to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Decide on Your Living Space
Housing options for living off the grid are abundant, but most of them include downsizing in one form or another. Not only will downsizing allow for a smaller house and simpler life, but living in a smaller house will allow you to use less energy and resources. Tiny houses are a popular option for those who live a minimalist lifestyle or don’t have a large family. A tiny home can run on very minimal energy and still give you a comfortable place to eat, sleep and cook. Most are even outfitted with little bathrooms. Tiny homes can come in many different forms, from high-tech prefabricated models like those featured in Rise or built by WheelHaus to small, bare-bones “dry sheds.” You can even purchase tiny homes on Amazon! For a more DIY approach, you can choose to build a small log cabin, an Earthship or a yurt. You can really go as fancy or minimal as you want, but there are tons of benefits to keeping your home small. A small home allows you to get off the grid faster and remain ready in case of an emergency situation. Those who need a more spacious home can choose to build a spacious cabin or multi-room farmhouse. These are more practical for people who are doing the half-on, half-off lifestyle or modern off-grid, as it’s difficult to rough it with a large house to maintain. Larger homes are more costly to build and maintain, but if you can afford it there are some absolutely stunning options available. If you are handy and can build your own off the grid farmhouse, it can be an option to keep larger homes affordable.
Harvest Water
Once you have your house built or purchased, make sure you have a way to harvest water. As we mentioned before, harvesting water will likely involve drilling a well and setting up a system to bring the running water to your house. Another option is to harvest rainwater in large catchment containers to provide water for you and your family. You will need to set up a septic system to deal with your waste unless you are going to “rough it” with an outhouse.
Harness Electricity
Setting up a way to harness electricity is a crucial step to living off the grid. The three most popular options are solar panels, a wind turbine, or a hydroelectric power generator. They each have their pros and cons.
Solar Panels: Solar power is one of the most popular and widely available options when it comes to off-grid energy. This option harnesses the sun’s energy by photovoltaic solar panels plus an inverter and batteries to store it. Since sunlight is a renewable resource, solar panels create an abundance of energy and they require very little maintenance. The major downside to solar panels is the initial cost, which can be quite high. Depending on the size of your house, it can also take a large number of solar panels to power the entire living area.
Wind Turbines: If you live in an area that has a high average wind speed, generating electricity from residential-sized wind turbines is another great option for off-grid energy. A 400-watt wind turbine is big enough to power a few appliances, a 900-watt turbine should be enough for a tiny house or small cabin and a 10,000-watt turbine should be enough to power a larger dwelling. The biggest downside to a wind turbine is the need for a constant breeze. While the sun is likely to shine almost every day, the wind can be more fickle. If the wind doesn’t blow, energy is not generated. Wind turbines also have moving parts which means they require more maintenance than solar panels.
Micro-hydro Electricity: One of the lesser-known off-grid energy systems, micro-hydro electricity uses a source or running water, like a stream or small waterfall, to generate electricity. The energy caused by water flowing from a higher elevation to a lower elevation turns a turbine and creates electricity.
This can be one of the most cost-effective options and it can power between 10 and 100 times more power than solar or wind for the same monetary investment. If the water source is constantly flowing you can have an energy system that runs 24 hours a day, year-round. The main downside is that you need a source of running water on your property to have a micro-hydro electricity system.
Grow Your Own Food
Growing your own food can be one of the easiest ways to become independent from the system. While there are some initial costs upfront and some investment of time required, it can be extremely rewarding to eat food you have grown yourself. You will need to buy seeds, fertilizer, mulch, gardening tools and anything else needed to set up a large garden. If you live in a dry area you will need a way to water the plants. Depending on the size of your family you will need to assess how large of a garden you need. You can also choose to have a small farm with chickens and cattle to have meat available to eat.
Living Off the Grid Costs and Savings
If you choose to live off the grid you will likely have some initial costs and investments to ensure you’re able to live comfortably. Even if you are “roughing it” you are likely to have a few things to purchase upfront. If you’re lucky you will already have a house, land and maybe a well which will cut costs significantly, however, we’ve outlined the costs as if you were starting from scratch below.
Basic Accommodations
You will want to purchase some rural land to live on, and it’s very helpful if that land has a river or stream running through it. If it doesn’t, you will need to build a well and/or rainwater catchment. You will need to build a simple, cabin style house as well, or purchase a tiny home. Depending on where you’re located and the off-grid lifestyle you choose this can set you back $100k or more.
Choices for Harnessing Electricity
Solar panels, a wind turbine, or a hydroelectric power generator are the three most popular options for harnessing electricity. Solar panel technology is improving all the time, making it more affordable than ever to purchase these for your house.
Solar Panels:$11,000 – $15,000
The average cost for solar panels varies by location, and some states offer tax credits. Most homeowners pay between $2.71 and $3.57 per watt to install solar and the average gross cost before tax credits is $18,840. Depending on the size of your home and the number of tax credits you’re allowed, you will likely end up paying between $11,380 to $14,990 for solar panels.
Wind Turbines: $4,000 – $30,000
If you are opting for a wind turbine, you will need to live in a wide open space with plenty of wind. The purchase and installation of a wind turbine large enough to power a home costs around $30,000 on average. You can get small turbines for as low as $4,000, though, so depending on your energy usage it could be cheaper than solar panels.
Hydro Powered Electricity: $20,000 to $100,000
If you are lucky enough to live near running water, a hydro-powered system can be a great, lower cost option. The home to ranch scale hydro systemscan cost anywhere from $1,500 to $10,000 for the equipment, but installation can vary greatly depending on the water resources available, distance to it and energy needs of your house. A fully-installed system can cost anywhere from $20,000 to $100,000 or more.
Water and Septic
If you want to have running water on the property you will need to drill a welland an electric pump. The cost to drill a well is about $1,500 to $12,000 depending on the depth required. After the well is drilled you will need to install a pump and underground piping to take the water to your house. This can add anywhere from $2,000 to $8,000 to the cost. This brings the typical cost for drilling a well and setting up a private water delivery system to $3,500 to $20,000, depending on your situation. A water catchment tank to collect rainwater is a cheaper option that will set you back between $3,000 and $5,000. The average cost to install a 1,000-gallon septic tank (enough for a three bedroom house) is between $600 and $1000. You may also have to buy some building permits and replacement parts as needed which can raise the cost a bit.
Growing Your Own Food
The initial investment for starting a garden can be anywhere from $200 to $500, but it can produce endless amounts of food once started. If you are meat eaters it can be handy to have some chickens or cattle as well, but the costs will vary depending on what kind of meat you want and how large your family is. The Elliott Homestead does a great job of breaking down the costs to feed a family meat for a year.
Savings from Living Off the Grid
Once you have paid down the initial investments, the savings from living off the grid can be significant. While people who live in conventional homes pay monthly for using things like water, electricity and waste disposal, people who live fully off the grid will pay nothing or very little monthly. The average home spends anywhere from $150 to $500 a month on electricity, or $1,800 to $6,000 a year. Water and waste can cost $60 a month on average or $720 a year. Natural gas will set you back $82 a month or $984 a year. All together bills, not including rent or mortgage, average out to about $5,604 per year for the average family. That’s a hefty savings! The cost of building a home off the grid can cost a fraction of what homes in the city cost. With the average home price sitting at around $350,000 and rising every year, alternative living can mean significant savings. Depending on the way you want to live, the price for most off-grid homes and land is anywhere from $100,000 to $200,000. If you take into account the fact that most people spend an additional $70,000 on off-grid upgrades, you are still sitting below the national home price average and will not need to pay monthly bills. If you can grow your own food and raise your own livestock you can expect to have very low monthly overheads. Once you decide to live off the grid, be prepared for a large commitment. However, the rewards can be immense. Aside from the monetary benefits, people living off-the-grid enjoy a more self-sufficient lifestyle, independent from the state. Lowering your carbon footprint and living a naturally healthier lifestyle is also something you can look forward to if you are living off the grid. Because you are growing and raising your own food, you know exactly what is going into your body. If you choose an off the grid lifestyle today you will have security in the future should anything happen to the food and water supply or electrical grid. Once the initial costs are paid off, you will no longer have to worry about monthly bills and may be able to work part-time or work on your homestead exclusively. If this lifestyle is for you, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences you ever choose! Post Source
about me: hello everyone! long time commenter first timer recapper! i know i didnt win the lottery, but i am feeling extremely manic and instead of doing homework i wanted to spend the rest of my night writing about something i don't get care about and will probably make me frustrated. found the good good boys in 2016 and listened consistently until the year that thing happened (mostly mbmbam, but also fucked w their “dnd” podcast). listened to balance, amnesty, and about 3 episodes of grad despite having nothing but free time and spending all of my time playing video games alone in my room, listening to their episodes during that time did absolutely nothing for me. i havent listened to a new episode in over a year. i am non-binary/transfem, or, as Travis would like to introduce me: “this isYeeAndEspeciallyHaw! they go by they/them, and please ask about their genitals!” i will be listening to the Celeste soundtrack quietly in the background and drinking a beer while writing this to keep myself sane as an extremely brief aside, i broke two of my fake nails while doing dishes so im already extremely bitter and not expecting this to help my mood 0:00: Travis fucks and also the theme song! say what you will about the theme song, but it is absolutely a song that you can stream on wherever you find your music! i never quite got this choice for the theme song (and wasn’t it even made specifically for them?) but it do be going hard tbh 1:15: Griffin takes his socks off because you can’t sleep or make podcasts while wearing socks. extremely relatable! i also cant sleep with socks on! also sometimes Travis takes one sock off and forgets to take the other off for multiple hours? i don't know if its just me but thats completely fucked up and has to be a lie. 2:10: one of their rituals before starting the show is singing a Dave Mathews Band song. ive heard them mention Mr. Mathews before, and never understood exactly who these jokes are for. i don't know if im just a stupid zoomer, but i genuinely don't think i have ever heard a DMB song in my life. i also generally don't fuck with that band title. like, if i was in a full fledged band and the lead singer was just like “yeah we’re going to be named after me. im Dave and you are all my band” i would feel slightly disrespected. at least do something cool like “Dave and the Rockin’ Dudes” or something 2:27: Justin has the opening bit! he’s excited for a Quantum Leap reboot (never heard of it) and a The Santa Clause reboot (i didnt hear about that but there’s no way it will be good). 3:30: Griff says if he’s watching Quatum Leap there will be “a gushy presence.” the first joke of the show! didnt really do anything for me but it was a joke. Rachel is also apparently super into Quantum Leap 4:30: Travis wonders out loud if the new Quantum Leap and the new The Santa Clause are going to be in the same universe, and that the “leapest” will join The Santa Clause. Justin corrects Trav and calls them “the leper.” is this chill? is he good? 4:44: Griffin makes up a scenario about how the Leaping Person goes and kills Martin Short’s character in The Santa Claus, then wakes up and believes he killed the real Martin Short. no idea why, but this got a chuckle out of me 5:00: Griff wants the theme song to stay the same for QL. ive never seen the show, but i feel like its going to get that awful Netflix intro segment where its some dramatic/orchestral song over some weirdly abstract visuals. although its going to be a network show and i don't watch cable so i could be completely wrong and also an idiot 5:20: there’s a silence then Justin laughs hysterically and says “let’s talk about Santa Clause’s though.” TSC is going to be a series on Disney+!? The show is about someone trying to kill Santa, i think. Make a Logan-style The Santa Clause television show with Tim Allen. Don't tie it in with any cinematic universe what-so-ever. Just do a rough, beautiful, emotional tale about an older Santa Claus. Have Jason Winer direct. Give him full control. Watch the box office explode 7:00: i disassociated for a minute but they’re talking about fan fics i think. also talking about what a fucking dweeb Tim Allen is. honestly kinda surprised they brought him back for the reboot considering he sucks absolute shit. apparently he wasn’t allowed to play Buzz because he’s shitty and awful 8:30: Payton Manning is in it and playing himself? i actually laughed at Justin saying “yeah, its Payton Manning as himself and Santa is just like, ‘please kill me.’” this episode has gotten two chuckles out of me so far. i don't know if its because im drinking a beer and havent eaten yet today, but im vibing with it 9:25: Tim only wanted to do the show if they got into the lore of Santa? like why Mrs. Clause doesnt have a first name? this show sounds like its going to be a lil bonkers (most likely in a non-great way). 10:35: Travis brings up how shitty Tim is again. Trav is my fav progressive <3 (trans rights!) 11:00: more Tim sucks talk 11:30: Travis: “is Santa grunts gonna be the sounds hes gonna make or the sounds of the sounds of the Santa Clause?” griffin: “okay.” 11:45: Justin and Travis riff about how David Krumholtz needs more work. had to google who that is 12:10: first question! “i work in IT for a local bank. outside of work, i wear hats, baseball caps or snapbacks, hats are not allowed per our companies dress code, but my boss is pretty chill, and i think if i got my work done she wouldnt care. should i start wearing a hat to work? or should i find a way to test the waters before fully committing?” personally, i have worked multiple jobs where hats were not allowed and i just fuckin did it. admittedly, they weren’t jobs as formal as at a bank, but i still stuck it to the man and wore my Value Village hats with pride. my suggestion? where a hat when you get to work, and then start your shift while wearing your hat. if your managers comes up and talks to you about it, just say you forgot you were wearing it 12:45: Griffin wants to “overthrow the whole thing.” oh my frickin god based griffin? frick capitalism! (he do got a point tho. not being able to wear what u want to work kinda blows.) but he also says he wouldnt want to see his dentist wearing a fedora 13:45: Justin brings up wearing a “Federal Body Inspector” hat to a funeral. okay, i know that hat is meant for being misogynistic, but the idea of someone wearing a hat that says “body inspector” on it to a funeral do be a lil goofy 14:00: after a couple months of everyone wearing hats to specific places, it will be normalized. 15:00: Travis suggests using the hat as a prop. the dentist walks in wearing a hat, turns it backwards, and says “lets get down to business” i would run away 15:35: Justin took his kid to the dentist and she had a cavity and he felt bad about it. good anecdote 16:00: Griffin hasn’t been to the dentist since covid started 16:10: Travis loves going to the dentist. for some reason, i knew he would. he would go once a month if he could. kinky fuck 17:30: they’re talking about how they want more ads 18:00: “how do you ramp into getting a hat” start by wearing an extremely small hat. get a bigger hat every day. eventually you’ll be wearing a ten gallon hat 18:45: shit Griffins making the same joke i made 19:20: Griffin wants to sell “chodeball caps” that you can wear as a transition to a full baseball cap lifestyle 19:30: apparently they have someone who listens to their show with the sole purpose of making merch off of what they say. Imagine having to listen to this show every week for your job. although, making merch based off a podcasts good jokes does sound like a really neat job 20:15: now they suggest wearing a HUGE hat when you walk in, and then when they say you can’t wear it, you say “well, i do have a much smaller chode baseball cap” funny concept 22:15: Griffin: “if we invest chodeball caps, we’re going to have to invest chodeball” i feel like this has potential for a good bit but unfortunately they just say its baseball but with a chode baseball bat 21:45: oh god oh fuck its Wizard time. I stopped listening to the show shortly after this immaculate segment was introduced, but i have heard nothing but positive things about it. im very excited 21:55: wikihow article: how to scat. okay so this segment wont be almost entirely based off visuals like other Wizard segments, so im cautiously optimistic. Griffin starts reading the definition of scatting, and says he could write a prewritten scat. there’s an awkward silence 22:45: Travis almost went a minute into the segment without mentioning Scatman! Trav, come on buddy, i thought you could do better 23:30: describing how to get good at scatting. they start scatting to the tune of popular songs 24:15: practice call-and-response with other musicians. honestly a good way to practice getting good at improvising with any instrument. there should also be more call in response in songs these days. also hocketing. hocketing fucking rips. only tangentially related, but check out The Dirty Projectors – When The World Comes to an End. is this scatting? am i good? 25:15: focus on melodies rather than sounds. at this point, im just rewriting the wikihow article. they just arent saying anything i can riff on. i forgot how bad this segment is. its just griffin reading at us. im going to stop just giving tips for scatting until they say something funny 27:00: Griffin has never heard the word duplet before. he doesnt believe its a real thing. my brother in christ you make music 27:40: Griffin scats. there’s a lot of scatting in this segment, unsurprisingly, and it’s never funny. they’re either trying to be funny or impressive and it’s neither. 28:00: Griffin took a masterclass with Scatman Crothers. had to google who this was and i recognize him! he was in The Shining! idk if this was a deepcut pull or if he’s known for other things. he died before Griffin was born, so Griffin says Scatman stopped aging from scatting. it’s a bit, that’s for sure. his name was Scatman! 30:45: i kinda stopped listening but they brought up someone and they googled him to see if he’s dead and he isn’t so its okay to joke about him, i think. not really sure what the bit is 31:30: Justin scats. this sucks. bad scatting just like isnt funny?? like “guys im trying to sound silly:) listen to me make these goofy sounds” like holy moly, boys. you’re just making sounds. you’re just making random sounds with ur mouth. there’s no JOKE. i don't know why i had hope for this segment 31:15: moneyzone time! Justin’s reading an ad for babble. use this to learn languages! no jokes 34:45: squarespace ad! Griffin taking charge this time. Griffin says your website sucks and you’re a sheeple if you aren’t using sheeple. true freedom loving patriots use squarespace, yall, heard it here first. NFT talk. not a very funny ad, but Griffin put more effort into making it entertaining than Justin 37:07: oh god it’s maxfun show ad time. i have no idea why, but maxfun show ads always blow ass. im sure the shows are fine! maybe even good, even! but the quality is never good! these ads have literally never gotten me to check out one of these shows. but i am thankful for these ads because i can turn my brain off for a few seconds while i prepare to finish up this recap. the Celeste soundtrack is almost finished, and it’s 1 hour and 40 minutes long. i have no idea why i wanted to spend the night doing this. i have other things i need to do. I could even be playing Stardew rn but instead im doing this oh god oh fuck why am i like this 38:40: one existential crisis ended and another one quickly appeared while i listen to Justin do his trademark intro for Munch Squad: A Podcast Within a Podcast about fast food dining or whatever the fuck. Justin, instead of doing this, why not just make it it’s own podcast? if there’s enough material to bring it up every week in your family’s “comedy” podcast, surely you could just make it it’s own show, right? or are you worried no one would listen to it because it sucks? come on Justy take a note from your brother and start yet another podcast that no one listens to 39:30: Frio’s Gourmet Pops is doing a collaboration with Zaxby’s. sauce flavoured popsicles. this sounds bad and i would never like to try this. these fastfood corporations sure are goofy! Capitalism breeds innovation, etc. 40:25: Justin is going to show the other brothers a photo of it. thank god i have no interest in seeing it, Justin! it sure would suck if you’re talking about something specific and the thousands of people listening to you don't get to see it! theyll post it to the twitter or whatever 40:35: beer is finished, also restarting the Celeste soundtrack. I am dead inside 41:13: Zaxby’s calling Septmeber “Saucetember” and Trav is mad because that’s not a portmanteau. Trust me, Trav knows what a port man toe is, it’s literally the only kind of jokes he has. Porttravteau, if you will. but i wouldnt 42:53: talking more about what they look like. i refuse to google it. This is an audio comedy podcast and homework shouldnt be required to understand jokes (brb googling who the fuck David Krumholtz is) 43:48: another fastfood thing. Chipotle will offer some kind of steak that is available in Canada, the US, and the Metaverse. im sure the boys will touch on this, but i have a question: how 44:38: its going to be on roblox??? fuck yeah im in. i want my virtual bad bitch self in a virtual shitty Chipotle. also. ima say it. Chipotle is overrated 46:13: more Chipotle talk. none of this is interesting or, dare i say it, funny 46:35: Travis wonders if “the metaverse” is all of the internet or something. i have only a cursory knowledge of the metaverse, but holy shit does it sound stupid. it sounds like they’re trying to bring the worst parts of reality to VR instead of making it what people actually want it to be. like “oh, you work from home? wear this cool helmet and let everyone see a virtual u as u hangout in a virtual office:)” literally the only benefit to working from home is that your work is confined to what’s on your screen (for the most part) if im in a boring meeting, i can look at my phone, pet my dog, vape, do whatever the fuck i want. but in a virtual office, all i see are these ugly polygony version of my coworkers and probably some digital fake plants. and also fake Chipotle now, i guess 47:55: Justin is logging onto Roblox to go to the virtual Chipotle. Justin describing what he sees. this is a completely visual experience. honestly, why couldnt Justin and Griffin make a video about this. it could actually be funny. apparently you can work at the fake Chipotle and make fake food. this is dystopian and i am upset at this 49:20: Roblox is closed. that wasnt a funny bit 50:10: Justin is reading from the press release again. Justin says “culinary” and Travis says “more like colonary(?)” professional comedians, everybody. yall know about tacos? know how they hurt ur tummy? yeah, that! there’s only 15 minutes left. i can do it 51:38: question time! “i recently passed the bar and started working as a business and construction attorney. overall, im very grateful for the opportunities ive had so far in my career. however, for the past few years, my real interests have been in space law. how can i show the world im ready to represent the stars, and as a space lawyer, what should my first order of business be?” okay i had no idea space lawyers were a thing, but after a quick google search, they are, and sound fucking radical. they draft international treaties and national laws and negotiate agreements between nations/private companies. what a fuckin stellar career 52:30: Travis says America owns the moon because they got there first. but also clarifies it’s wrong. they agree it’s everyone’s, but Justin also says it’s mostly America’s 53:30: Justin says Space Force is a thing that was silly and is now, currently, still a thing, and that there’s going to be people fighting in space. i know it isnt this, but when i think of the Space Force, i think of rocketships with guns having to fight other rocketships with guns for celestial bodies. a war for the stars, perhaps 54:30: Travis reccomends having business cards that say the question asker wants to be a space lawyer. idk if networking works like that, bud. he says there will be another person who claims they will be the best at space law, and they settle their differences with a law off or aYugiooh battle. Griffin points out literally every legal battle is a “law off” i want this episode to be over 55:36: Griffin: “hold on to your beans” idk why but i hate this. “isnt all law space law” exhales weed smoke yeah man 56:56: talking about sky law and something about birds dying? i kinda lost the plot, my friends 57:30: something about a fox and bird exploding in space 58:00: “if birds alive, you’re in the skyve. If birds are dead, then space ahead” fucking killer improv, baby bro 59:10: still talking about foxes and birds exploding in space 59:58: there’s Korn scatting in the background. brings me back to middleschool. this is the way i want the episode to end. let Jon Davis play them out 1:00:00: episode is over. talking about live shows and whatnot. in all honesty, im going to skip through this. i have spent my night doing this and its 9:30pm and i havent eaten dinner yet. i just want this over. this has been emotionally draining 1:02:50: talking about the taz comic! never read it. probably wont. wow the TV show coming, boyos? 1:03:47: Griffins inspirational words for the week.”i see you there. we all have worries on us. but lift those worries up to you know who” i didnt realize they stopped doing final yahoos, but it makes sense. not really a fan of this conclusion: i have so many respect to people who do recaps. this was my first time trying my hands on it and it is rough. shouts of IamMyBrain for ur grad recaps fr. overall i would say this episode was not funny or entertaining and i’m glad i havent listened to a new full episode in over a year. Travis wasn’t as annoying as I thought he would be. he was one of the main reasons i dropped the show, if im being honest. but he was fine this time around. Munch Squad is still a giant ball of nothing, except this time it was extra nothing as they included multiple visual bits that literally no one other than them could see. they didnt sound completely miserable this episode and they seemed like they were genuinely having fun at some points. i will never do this again
Mathematics Phobia sounds like a threatening issue, but is not something that you can't get overcome with. It is a feeling of tension, anxiety and fear of one's ability to solve mathematical problems. Mathematics phobia impacts students in their early ages when they are more prone to learning things in better way. There are various reasons because of which students have the fear that they can't be able to solve the maths problems and can't be able to score well due to which they just start ignoring the subject. Pic Credit: https://www.wikihow.com/ One of the main and the most important reason for mathematics phobia in students is the peer pressure or we can say the fear of public embarrassment. The students in their school life quickly gets influenced by others like if they don't score well in their test and the other person scores good then they get embarrassed which creates pressure on their mind and they can't get focused on their studies. The second main reason for mathematics phobia is teachers and parents influence. If teacher is not that confident with their teaching part or while explaining the concepts, student can't be able to grab the concepts properly and will not be able to solve the problems which demotivates the students. On the other hand if parents are anxious about the subject and teaches their child then also they unintentionally convey that anxious nature towards that subject in their child. The other reasons for mathematics phobia will be the hyped created and the negative attitude of the students. Due to the hyped created by the seniors or the parents that it is difficult to solve maths problems and everyone can't grasp the concepts of mathematics, students build a negative attitude towards the subject, that it is difficult and we can't solve the problems and not able score well in exams which creates a pressure on their minds and they get nervous while giving exams. So, these are some reasons that students needs to overcome with their positive attitude and by practising the subject. To know more about Mathematics Phobia click here.
What will happen if society collapses? What would you do if there's no one to help you or your family? Disaster preparedness is more than worrying––it's also about being practical, preparing for realistic scenarios and being ready for the unpredictable. An apocalypse is unlikely, but you'll need to know what to do in case it happens.
Preparing in Advance
Gather sufficient suppliesto survive for 90 days. Surviving after a major apocalyptic event is not going to be short term since the entire country or the world is likely to be falling apart––there are no two ways around that reality. However, hopefully having three months of supplies will get you settled and going with your new self-sufficient habits. The more time you have dedicated to forming a plan when disaster does strike, the better. When preparing the supplies, think in two categories: basic survival and getting by, as outlined in the following two steps. Obtain and stockpile basic survival (the most important) items. Consider storing the following:
Jugs of water
Canned goods
Vacuum-sealed goods
Blankets and pillows
Medications
A weapon that you actually know how to use properly
A knife (in addition to a weapon)
Warm, long sleeved clothing (if your climate requires it)
Carrying bag (for moving and/or fleeing). Store supplies for just getting by. Think about having these items at your disposal:
Batteries
Flashlights
Matches
Pots and pans (for cooking or boiling water)
Plastic utensils (plate, mug, spoon, fork)
Rope or twine
Map
Permanent markers (something to write with)
Change of clothes
Can opener
Lighters
Camp stove and propane
Hatchet or axe
First aid book
Sunglasses
Duct tape
Glow sticks
Boots
Extra pants
Smartphone
Water filters
Other comfort items
Prepare an emergency kit. Whether you're trying to survive the aftermath of a major earthquake, impact event, or global pandemic, you'll need to think about your health. Here's a list for what you need to put in your emergency kit:
Adhesive bandages, such as Band-Aids
Gauze
Medical tape
Antibiotics
Antiviral drugs
Ibuprofen (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID))
Keep yourself healthy againsteverything. You'll be dealing with everything from cuts to dysentery. Hospitals will cease to function and exist so simple problems will seem a lot more daunting. If you or a family member has a specific ailment, stockpile medications for that, too. Plan how to prepare for the messier sides of the long-term. That's a nice way of saying, "Everybody poops." To keep hygiene from being an issue on top of everything else, pack the following:
Toilet paper (a couple rolls will suffice)
Menstrual products
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Plastic garbage bags and ties
Shovel or trowel
Bleach
Soap and shampoo
Set up a communication system. Everyone in the household and close family and friends should have a communication system to communicate with family and friends. Communicate secret locations with your family members and friends using a radio.
Keep batteries with your radio. The last thing you want is to presume you're prepared when you're really not. And if you have a loved one you're taking care of, make sure they have a radio and you're not keeping both of them for the two of you.
When all else fails, work out how you will contact each other. This is when your permanent markers will come in handy. If the apocalypse strikes and you have left the house, write down where you are going, when you left, and if/when you'll be back on the wall, on a rock, on a nearby car, wherever you can find.
Use diesel-powered vehicles. Hoarding gasoline won't work; the chemicals that once kept it fresh will degrade it in time. After a year or so, it goes bad. Chances are gas stations will run out of gasoline but there could be some diesel left. In addition, all military diesels can run on other fuels as well, from rotten kerosene to fermented leaves. So invest in something that can handle the harder fuels.
In said vehicle, it's equally as likely that you'll be in it when all breaks loose, so pack a survival kit to keep in your car as well. Is there such a thing as being too prepared?
If this isn't an option, make sure you have a bicycle laying around somewhere that's fully functioning. There will be a point when you need to cover large distances in a short amount of time.
Become a good shot. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the apocalypse, knowing how to handle a gun can mean the difference between life and death, particularly if you'll need to hunt or defend your home against violence.
If it's legal to do so where you live, it might be a good idea to purchase a gun ahead of time and become proficient at using it. Be sure to exercise gun safety at all times. For starters, always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction, unload the gun when not in use, always treat a gun as though it is loaded (even when you know it isn't), keep the gun where children cannot access it, be sure of your target and what lies beyond it, and regularly have the gun serviced by a firearms professional.
Regardless of who or what you'll be facing, this is probably a good idea. Anything menacing needs to be kept far, far away. Whatever or whoever your enemy, shooting them will probably increase your chances of not being attacked or eaten.
Unless the apocalypse is due to some bacteria that's floating around in the air. In that case, get a gas mask. The people/zombies/menacing forces will probably still see you as an enemy.
Learn how to hunt.
Master the art of the snare trap. If you're really scrappy with it, you need nothing but what nature provides you.
If you're on the ocean or near a body of water, get to fishing or fly fishing. Your stock of baked beans and Spaghetti O's certainly isn't going to start spawning miraculously.
Take a hint from Katniss and start honing your archery skills. Once you've got a reason, learn how to make your own bow.
Read up on disaster preparedness. Take the time to read through wikiHow's disaster preparedness section. Read as many non-fiction books about disaster preparation and survival essentials as you can.
Consider reading some novels about the apocalypse, as well, but don't rely on these for accurate advice since you won't necessarily know how much effort the author put into research. Examples of books to read include: The Road by Cormac McCarthy, Lucifer's Hammer by Larry Niven, Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank, Earth Abides by George R. Stewart, Stephen King's The Stand, and The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham are all great places to start (even if the apocalypse doesn't end up coming anytime soon). You've already read The Hunger Games, right?
Become less dependent. If we're all honest with ourselves, what kind of world could we recreate without others?
For most of us, not much. Can you make a battery from a lemon? Or a potato clock? Lowering the bar... how are you at tying knots?
Find a way togenerate your own electricity. Taking car batteries and daisy chaining them will act as an energy storage device, but you're going to need to generate power. A generator running on wood, gas or a diesel engine where you can make your own fuel is good, but the real payoff is using renewable energy by making your own wind turbine out of PVC pipes and a car alternator or scavenging some solar panels near a highway. When the events do take a turn for the worst, at least you'll be able to be productive at night and have some of the luxuries of your former life.
Having electricity in your safe house will keep the lights on and keep electronics running. Electricity is important to run power tools, welders, watefuel pumps, radio equipment as well as charge any portable item or comfort item you may wish to use. It'll be a surprising source of morale, too.
Pray. Over time, new society will form. The collapse of a single city usually summons the National Guard, meaning that you will be relocated to a different society eventually. The collapse of a country means that you can now start your own country.
Escaping Immediately Without Advanced Warning
Grab a long-sleeved shirt and some pants. If you were out lounging on your pool deck with nothing but earbuds on and iPhone in hand (how else would you be reading this?), you're going to want to put on some layers. Even if the meteor looming on the horizon will send a blast of heat from here to Fargo, you'll be glad you did.
Pretty much any cause for an apocalypse requires long, comfortable clothing. You want a long-sleeved shirt and pants to protect your skin from predators, yes, but also from the sun and treacherous terrain. The apocalypse is no time to work on your tan.
If you have time, grab a pair of boots. If you don't have boots nearby, go for tennis shoes. You may have to break into a dead sprint at any time. If you have the luxury, make sure you're comfortable enough in your clothes and shoes to flee.
Come up with an escape plan. If for some odd reason your house isn't safe to stay in, you'll need to get out as soon as possible. With your map in hand, get out and get out now. Would you do best in the forest? Near water? Are you concerned with privacy and hiding from others or is there not another soul in sight? Your specific situation will determine where you should go.
Again, if you can stay in your house, do so. A shelter is best and friends and family will know how to find you. Make an assessment of your situation. Be as logical and rational as possible. You may want to stay, but is it best for you and your family?
Seek shelter. Even if it's not nuclear, you'll be better off escaping the perils of weather and being exposed to predators by getting and staying inside. But if it's a blast that is putting down the human race, it's doubly imperative that you shield yourself from the radiation as quickly as you can.
Basements are a good place to start. 16 inches (40.6 cm) of solid brick can keep radiation away from you, so you should fairly set there -- not to mention among your own things. One inch (2.5cm) of steel will do it too, but you probably don't live on the Enterprise.
Find a food source. You'll probably want this to be from a remnant of your soon-to-be past and not a raspberry bush or particularly lively pond. A grocery store or even recently-deserted houses are your best bet. As you're scrounging, get a candy bar and chow it down. The last thing you want to think about right now is hunger.
And stock up. Don't think in terms of days; think in weeks. Grab a few bags and start scrumping. What can you carry that'll last the longest? Think in volume and weight in addition to preservation. Cans are good, but they're heavy. But if everything is already picked over, don't get fussy; take what you can get. You'll need just anything to survive.
Water. Get loads and loads and loads of water, or else you'll be drinking your pee in no time.
Go on the defensive. It's safe to assume at this juncture that whatever is out there is not your friend. Find a weapon that you can actually use and start watching your six. When it comes to humans, there is no place for intelligence and culture now -- you do what you need to do.
Don't flash your gun like you do your BMW. Conceal your weapons. You know that scene in Die Hard where Bruce had those guns taped to his back (despite the fact that tape doesn't adhere easily to pools of sweat) and pulled a one-over on that German villain either played by Jeremy Irons or Alan Rickman? That's going to be you. No one's going to pull the wool over your eyes. You're a weapon yourself.
Find other survivors. You've got your food, you've got your weapons, and you've staked out a place to stay. Now it's time to assemble a team a la The Walking Dead. Except that you want a team that is actually useful. When you consider taking on others (they're mouths to feed, after all), assess what they can do for you. Do they know plants? Are they a wizard with a javelin? Are they carrying their own stockpile of food?
Okay, you'll probably want friends so you shouldn't be too picky. If you're not going to assess them for their goods, at least consider their character. Does your gut tell you they're trustworthy?
If you're all alone, keep a look out for lights and fires at nighttime. If you see one or more, consider venturing out yourself to make new best friends, but only if you think the end would justify the means. How far away is the light? How quickly could you get there? What would you be risking by leaving? Are there predators or obstacles in your path? You may be better off being alone, for now.
Stay positive. This will arguably be the hardest thing, especially if you're alone or wounded. But ultimately this hardship will be easier to handle if you remain optimistic about it. And if there are children with you, all the more reason.
Do not let your ethics stand in the way of your identity. The rules are different now. Just because you decided someone isn't pulling their slack and the team should, therefore, cut their losses doesn't mean you've turned into an animal. Assess your moralities as you see fit, but understand that the world is a much different place now and you must adapt to it to stay alive and fruitful.
Tips
Invest in a survival guide. If there is no internet in the world, you will need a guide that covers surviving when disaster strikes.
Hide your vehicle (if you are using one) under trees, bridges or overpasses. Try and camouflage your vehicle. You never know what or who can be flying over.
Even though most of us don't like it, fruit cake will last for over 100 years without refrigeration or even in plastic storage bags.
Stay hidden and out of sight. Never reveal your shelter by putting a big SOS sign on it. If possible, keep it looking deserted to avoid attracting attention.
Never trust your own species. People are going to be hungry and thirsty and cannot be trusted. When you first meet them, they are either going to mug you for what you have or, even worse, kill you. Be prepared when meeting other humans, if you run into them - you run into them on your own terms.
There is strength in numbers. If you are alone, you may wish to seek out others. Assess the situation at hand.
Living on a farm will give you great advantage; an isolated area will protect you from most looters and raiders. Preparing a survival retreat beforehand and having a few extra hands around will help you survive the aftermath of Armageddon for years.
Never let your guard down even when you think you are safe.
Do not rely on any technological product as there is no guarantee that there will be a power source.
Do not give out your weapons.
Try not to be greedy and share stuff.
A hospital can be your best safe-house. Hospitals will run out of medicine, but their diesel-fueled backup generators will probably be ignored. You can get the generator running again, producing your own power. Turning off most of the breakers will prevent attracting attention since they will light up as a Christmas Tree, and you can take shelter in the Security room where you can use the surveillance cameras to keep an eye on the place.
Get a second citizenship. Having a second citizenship and passport will get you out of a collapsing country and into a stable one.
Survival isn't about the present, but also the future. Intercourse can both be used as a morale booster, as well as a way to ensure the future of your species.
Don't carry too much food as this will affect your running.
Stick to less travel grounds. Looters and raiders will expect people to travel on the pre-disaster roads, which they will tackle them, kill them, strip their kill of whatever they have, and leave the corpse to rot. Stick to less traveled routes like rail lines for instance, unless there isn't a compass available, try to avoid main routes altogether.
Try recreating society. Make some kind of surviving group to bring man back on it's legs. It might take longer than your own life to do it, but it's worth the try.
Always suspect you're being watched. If you're moving sprightly, your likelihood of being attacked by anything gets diminished. Always be on the watch for enemies on two legs, four legs, or no legs at all.
Apart from the above weapons and style to overcome a zombie, you can also go for zombie tactical weapons like kukri, kopi or a machete. Katana swords are also quite an attracting weapon for killing zombies.
Never use your best knife for a weapon. Sharpen a stick instead or use rocks. If you break your knife, you may not get another one.
Fortify your base with wood spike walls, wall mounted crossbows (for a quick kill near a window) and your own alarm traps. Trip wires connected to bells can warn about enemies beforehand.
Don't neglect hygiene. It would be really foolish if you were all prepared for the apocalypse and your downfall came from the fact that your hands were dirty. You should especially take care to brush your teeth, as studies have shown that there is a direct link between the health of your mouth and the health of the rest of your body.
Stock up on toiletries, cloth and other items that can be used to improvise, replace or repair what you already have or that is hard to get a hold of. Food will be scarce but so will many items you can't make from scratch.
Dried fruit lasts longer than normal fruit and is a good way to get vitamins.
Never be afraid to kill. In a world gone insane, there will always be people who will rob, threaten, or hurt you. Be prepared to kill them need be. It may be hard to take a life, but let it be known that you are doing it to protect yourself, or others.
Stock up on as much nonperishable food and purified water as possible. If you are unable to get water purification tablets or filters boil the water over a fire or stove.
Seek immediate food sources as soon as you run out. You can hunt for food (fowl, deer ect.) or, if there are no other options, you may have to sacrifice your cat or dog.
Don't trust anyone, no matter how long you've known them they can still backstab.
In moist climates, moss is a possible source of water. You can wring the water out into your mouth if you're desperate; it may not taste great, but some types of moss may filter out major toxins. It's still safest to disinfect this water by boiling it or otherwise distilling it before drinking, however.
Pets are good to have, because they can alert you to danger, but they are another mouth to feed and if the situation arises, your life and human lives matter much more.
Warnings
Don't waste bullets. Using guns requires bullets. If you waste them, you'll probably die during an attack.
Never advertise your preparedness plans to co-workers, friends, and extended members of your family. They will likely not be prepared and once their survival instincts kick in, they will turn to you or worse, turn on you for your supplies.
Expect individuals to practice cannibalism due to the lack of food.
People will form gangs in order to retrieve the resources they need to survive, resulting in safety with numbers. Know this and recognize this mob mentality.
The criminal element that was once housed in local and federal prisons will be loose all over the countryside. It's best to assume the worst of humans are at this juncture.
Law enforcement officers either real or fake cannot be trusted in an apocalypse.
Rivers and lakes will be polluted with human fecal matter coming from the water treatment plants and overflowing sewers. Diseases like Typhoid and Cholera will strike with vengeance.
I left a Turnitin assignment tab open on my Opera browser long enough and connection timed out, tried logging out and logging in. That didn't work and soon I realized I couldn't even open turnitin.com, the main page. Along with this site, while looking for an answer on internet I realized I also can't reach some sites like pcworld.com and wikihow.com. My network works well, these sites' server status is okay. I can reach these sites using my mobile data without any problems. I don't use VPN or adblocker. Tried different browsers, tried clearing the cookies and cache. Tried flushing DNS and resetting IP through command. Didn't work. What should I do?
Another Aisha apologetics piece with 130 pages of pdf ..........waisted.
i came across https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uuH2PlamgM "Refutation regarding the age of Aisha r.a." and the video has a link to a google-drive pdf. This pdf titles itself: "A gigantic compilation of responses to the Aisha’s age issue includes refutation of the ‘child marriage in the Quran‘ claim By Concordski" Why the author is named after a failed Russiaan concord-copy is not clear. Some sections are called:
Age isn't significantly related to puberty This sub-sections is here to refute those who argue that "if Aisha was 9 then she's automatically a child” Age of puberty back then and explanation behind it This sub-section exposes why the age of puberty back then was lower + Mortality rates and Life expectancy This sub-section reveals the high mortality rates of children and youth back then, mortality rates and low life expectancy are from amongst the big reasons why people would marry at young ages in order to have an evolutionary benefit and survive + The age of consent This sub-section exposes the low ages of consent back then and it also showcases the bad logic behind appealing to the age of consent blindly
and
Byzantine age of consent This sub-section deals with the claim that the age of consent in the Byzantine empire around the time of prophet Muhammad was 12/13.
So let us have a brief response to the whole piece.
The pdf does not contradict that the Roman/Byzantine Marriage Age was 12/13. But it argues that girls vary using Byzantium and Yemen as examples. From a biological perspective that is nonsense. The highest incidence of child-marriage resulting in problematic births are in tropical sub-saharan Africa and evolutionary speaking the girls do not var that much. There is also the point that Basra and Alexandria were under Byzantine law and Muhammed had visited Basra. It also omits that the Persian Empire at the time of Muhammed allowed marriage from age 9 but only on condition that consummation waited till 12. Point is: It was known to be dangerous to 9 year olds to engage in intercourse at that time. They were at risk of harm. They were also too young to comprehend the risk to them. That is why intercourse with 9 year olds is immoral.
The pdf omits that Islam legalized intercourse before puberty. In Islamic law the girl is then too young to give or withhold consent, since she is a minor. The Byzantians had harsh punishments for statutory rape (having intercourse with a minor under 13). So consent was knownn to be morally problematic. That is why "Option of Puberty" gave minors the right to rescind a marriage when they attained adulthood. The pdf tries to give examples of why puberty supposedly started early in Yemen. But it omits that puberty was not necessary for Muhammed to have intercourse with Aisha. This fatwa shows that the grandmother at 21 had discovered she had become an adult by being pregnant. "And Al-Hasan bin Saleh said: “I found a neighbor of ours, a grandmother, a girl of twenty-one years.” Ah. It is no secret that this grandmother got married at a young age, and became pregnant when she was ten years old,and pregnancy is a definitive sign of puberty"
“67-THE BOOK OF AN-NIKAH (The Wedlock) (39) CHAPTER. Giving one's young children in marriage (is permissible). By virtue of the Statement of Allah: "...and for those who have no (monthly) courses (le. they are still immature)..."(V. 65.4) And the 'Idda for the girl before puberty is three months (in the above Verse).
Narrated 'Aishah that the Prophet wrote the marriage contract with her when she was six years old and he consummated his marriage when she was nine years old, and then she remained with him for nine years (.e. till his death).
Chapter 13. Marriage of Minor Girls Arranged By Their Fathers
It was narrated that Aishah said : "The Messenger of Allâh married me when I was six years old. Then we came to Al-Madinah and settled among Banu Harith bin Khazraj. I "became ill and my hair fell out, then it grew back and became abundant. My mother Umm Rumân came to me while I was on an Urjuhah with some of my friends, and called for me. I went do her, and I did not know what she wanted. She took me by the hand and made me stand at the door of the house, and I was panting. When I got my breath back, she took some water and wiped my face and head, and led me into the house. There were some woman of the Ansár inside the house, and they said : "With the blessings and good fortune (from Allah). (My mother) handed me over to them and they tidied me up. And suddenly I saw the Messenger of Allah in the morning. And she handed me over to him and I was at that time, nine years old." (Sahih)
Ibn Majah categorised Aisha as a minor. Aisha was not asked for consent because she was prepubescent. It also adds the note after the hadith (p 77):
Comments : a. The marriage bond of a girl who is not yet adult (has not reached the age of puberty) is perfectly valid in Islam.
So Muhammed had intercourse with minor Aisha and since that was Sunnah, Islam legalised it. That resulted in millions of girls getting seriously injured and some even dying. The whole "Life-expectancy" argument is nonsenical. The narrative that if life-expectacy was low people married earlier is nosensical because the Greeks had already discovered that pregnancy/delivery was a main cause of low life-expecatncy. So the Spartans had raised marriage age to 20 and discovered that the life-expectancy of women went up to almost equal life-expectanncy of men. So lowering age of first pregnancy would mainly result in lowering life-expectancy even further.. In a largely agricultural society Muhammed would absolutely have known that you do not start breeding goats much younger because a disease had lowered life-expectancy.......it would mainly result in more dead mothers and babies . Goats: https://www.boergoatprofitsguide.com/goat-breeding-age-whats-the-best-age/ “Boer does can be bred at 6 months. However, breeding the does before they reach the proper weight (generally around 80 pounds) can stunt their growth and lead to reproductive problems. A common age for breeding is between 10 and 12 months. Having does reproduce too early can lead to pregnancy or birth difficulties. The most common complication of a young doe giving birth is that of an abnormally positioned kid. This can lead to the death of both the kid and the doe.” Cows/oxen: https://www.wikihow.com/Know-when-a-Heifer-or-Cow-Is-Ready-to-Be-Bred "Usually it's best to wait until they are at least 15 months of age before breeding. Even though the early maturing breeds do reach puberty by the time they are around 7 to 9 months of age, it is best to wait until they are around 13 to 15 months of age before you can breed them.\[1\] This is because it allows them to grow more, increase their pelvic area and gain enough condition that can allow them to sustain themselves throughout gestation. Heifers that are bred too early tend to have too small a pelvic area to calve out," The only reason Muhammed had sex with a 9 year old is because he liked havng sex with her and he did not see any objection in the risk of harm to her, nor in the fact that she was too young to understand that risk. Even if his neghbouring dominant empires had prohibited it, he did it.
عصا «سيلفي» وشواحن محمولة وسماعات لاسلكية متقدمة الثلاثاء - 6 ذو الحجة 1438 هـ - 29 أغسطس 2017 مـ رقم العدد [ 14154] 📷 شاحن محمول - عدسة إضافية للهاتف لندن: «الشرق الأوسط» عندما تشتري لنفسك هاتفاً ذكياً جديداً، كيف يمكنك أن تستفيد من أفضل الميزات التي يقدمها؟ عليك بالإكسسوارات، كما يقول بعض الخبراء. لكل هاتف يمكن للمستخدم أن يشتريه، كثير من الأدوات المضافة التي تحسن الأداء وتتميز عن الإكسسوارات الأخرى؛ ابتداء من تحديثات سماعات الأذنين، ومكبرات بلوتوث للصوت لتعزيز صوت الموسيقى، وانتهاء بالأغطية التي تحمي الهاتف من الأضرار. ولكن يجب أن تحرص أن تكون تلك الإضافات الأحدث، خصوصا أن الخيارات المتاحة كثيرة. وهنا بعض النصائح من موقع «انغادجيت» التقني البريطاني التي ستساعد المستخدم في اختيار إكسسوارات الهواتف الذكية التي تستحق الإنفاق عليها. -- إضافات التصوير - إضافات السيلفي: تزداد شعبية الصور الذاتية (السيلفي) وصور البورتريه الشخصية أكثر فأكثر، مما حثّ مصنعي الهواتف الذكية على التركيز أكثر على الكاميرات الأمامية، وكانت آخرها كاميرا «هواوي بي10» التي تقدم للعالم أول عدسة «ليكا» للسيلفي في هاتف ذكي. في حال كان المستخدم يملك عصاً للسيلفي، فيجب أن يجرب أداة «ألترا برايت سيلفي لايت»، (27 دولارا)، Ultra Bright Selfie Light، التي تثبت على أي هاتف ذكي (لها 36 من الصمامات الثنائية الضوئية LED) لتوفير إضاءة أفضل، وإشعاع أفضل لتوفير الوضوح الأكبر للصورة. - عدسات الكاميرا: في حين توفر هواتف متقدمة مثل «سوني إكس زي بريميوم» و«آيفون7» عدسات كاميرا فعالة، لمحبي التصوير الذين يرغبون في الارتقاء بصورهم دون شراء كاميرا باهظة الثمن، فإن بمقدورهم أن يستعينوا بعدسة إضافية. وتوفر عدسة «أولوكليب كور لينس»، (132 دولارا)، Olloclip Core Lens Set، لهاتف «آيفون7». و«آيفون7 بلاس»، من بينها عين السمكة، والزاوية الواسعة، والعدسات المكبرة في قطعة صغيرة تلتصق فوق كاميرا الجهاز. يذكر أن أصحاب هواتف «آندرويد» و«آيفون» يمكنهم أن يستفيدوا من نسخ مخصصة لهواتفهم. - طابعة الصور: بعد التقاط أجمل الصور، قد يرغب المستخدم في تحويلها إلى صورة عادية للذكرى، بدل تركها منسية في ألبوم الكاميرا أو ألبومات «فيسبوك». هنا يمكنه أن يستفيد من طابعة الجيب التي تأتي بحجم صغير لحملها باليد، بحجم هاتف ذكي تقريباً. من بين هذه الطابعات «إتش بي سبروكيت فوتو برينتر»، (132 دولارا)، التي تتصل بهواتف«آيفون» و«آندرويد»عبر بلوتوث ويمكن أن تستخدم لإنتاج صور بحجم 2×3 بوصة. -- أغطية وشواحن - أغطية فخمة: كثيرة هي الإكسسوارات التي يختارها المستخدم، إلا أن غطاء الهاتف لا بد أن يكون أولها. وتكثر الخيارات المتاحة من هذه الإكسسوارات؛ من تلك المضادة للمياه، إلى البلاستيكية الشفافة منها. ولكن في حال كان مالك الهاتف يرغب في خيار أكثر فخامة، فيمكنه أن يختار من مجموعة «باستيل»، Pastel Collection، أو تلك المصنوعة من جلد النوبوك من «سنيكهيف»، (28 دولارا)، التي تقدم له ملمسا راقياً دون أن يدفع مبالغ طائلة. هناك أيضاً الأغطية التي تأتي على شكل محفظة تتضمن جيوبا خاصة للبطاقات البنكية، وطبقة قابلة للطي، وهي متوفرة لـ«آيفون» و«آندرويد» بخيارات كثيرة. - شاحن محمول: مع إمضاء الناس مزيدا من الوقت في استخدام هواتفهم، من تحديث «إنستغرام» إلى مشاهدة مسلسلهم المفضل عبر «نيتفلكس»، لا بد أن البطارية لن تخدمهم طويلاً. لهذا السبب، يُنصح المستخدمون بالاستعانة بشاحن محمول. يوفر «إس تي كاي فاست فيول 15كي»، (66 دولارا)، STK Fast Fuel 15K، شحنة هائلة تصل إلى 15 ألف ملي أمبير في الساعة، التي تصلح لشحن الهاتف 6 مرات متتالية. كما تدعي «باكينغ كوالكوم كويك تشارج»، Packing Qualcomm Quick Charge، للتكنولوجيا أنها قادرة على شحن الهواتف الذكية 4 مرات أسرع ممن الشواحن التقليدية. -- سماعات ومكبرات - سماعات الرأس: يأتي كثير من الهواتف الذكية الحديثة والغالية مع سماعات الأذنين الخاصة بها. ولكن في حال كان المستخدم من محبي الموسيقى العالية، فلا بد من أنه سيبحث عن إكسسوار أكثر حداثة. هناك كثير من الخيارات المتوفرة التي تناسب محبي الرياضة بسبب مقاومتها التعرق وقدرتها على عزل الأصوات المحيطة خلال الجري أو في وسائل النقل المشتركة. توفر سماعة «أوديو تكنيكا»، (105 دولارات)،ATH - CKR70iS، نوعية ممتازة للصوت وبسعر معقول. تمتاز هذه السماعة بمسرعات ديناميكية رائعة للصوت، وبميكروفون صغير يتضمن أزرارا لاستقبال وإنهاء الاتصال والتحكم بالموسيقى. - مكبرات الصوت: حتى لو كانت مكبرات الصوت الموجودة في الهاتف جيدة، فإنه مكن للمستخدم أن يقدم لها دعماً، خصوصا في حال كان يحب مشاركة الموسيقى مع أصدقائه. الخيارات الأقوى متوفرة دائماً لإعدادات أكبر كالحفلات. وفي حين أن مكبرا صغيرا للجيب يمكن أن يفي بالغرض، فإن المكبرات الدائرية الصلبة تظلّ دائماً الخيار الأفضل. يتميز مكبر «جي بي إل فليب 4»، (158)، JBL Flip 4، العامل بتقنية بلوتوث، بحجم صغير قابل للحمل، ولكنه يخبئ ميزات صوتية هائلة، بالإضافة إلى 12 ساعة من الخدمة، والأفضل أنه مضاد للماء، مما يجعله مثالياً للحمل إلى جانب حمام السباحة. اذاكنت تريد باسعار غير قابله للمنافسة سوف تجدها هنا أضغط هنا
How to disable the irritating "Chat messages can't be verified" message
TLDR: This tiny Planet Minecraft resource pack disables the "Chat messages can't be verified" message. QBMC is not the creator of this pack, credit goes to natrual_power. Link: https://www.planetminecraft.com/texture-pack/no-more-modified-chat-warning-pop-up/ More detailed description: While Mojang's intentions to protect players might have been pure, the chat reporting system came with a few flaws. When you join a server that has chat reporting disabled (like our very own QBMC!), the player will receive a notification in the top right corner saying "Chat messages can't be verified. Messages sent on this server may be modified and might not reflect the original message.". This is useful to inform the player that the server lacks chat reporting, but after the first few times becomes very irritating and lacks any utility. Unfortunately, Mojang failed to give the players a choice to disable or at least minimize this message. One pretty easy solution is to just retexture it, since the message is just a texture within the game. This doesn't disable the swish noise that the notification makes (because other messages like advancements use it) but it ultimately solves the problem. The main risk with it is forgetting you disabled the message and joining a server which you prefer chat reporting to be enabled, though you still do hear the swish. This pack does not require Optifine. Please note that it doesn't work with any other language than English. One more additional note is that the resource pack doesn't interfere with other resource packs. Here is a link with instructions on how to install this (and all) resource packs: https://www.wikihow.com/Install-Minecraft-Resource-Packs Once again, here is the link. QBMC did not create this pack, credit goes to natrual_power. If you have any issues with it, feel free to leave a comment! Link: https://www.planetminecraft.com/texture-pack/no-more-modified-chat-warning-pop-up/
If bad weather puts you on edge, you're not alone. Though flooding is more likely to happen in some areas than in others, it doesn't hurt to be prepared for an emergency. The article below will help you get your home and family ready if flooding happens in your area.
Creating a Plan
Know your risk. If you're new to an area, you can ask the county planning department whether your home is at risk for flooding. You can also check government sites for flood maps. Be sure to check back every so often; the maps are sometimes redrawn as conditions change.
The main factor determining your risk is whether you are in a floodplain or not, which you can check with flood maps.
Several other factors put you at risk for floods. For instance, if your main floor is below the base flood elevation in an area, you're at risk for flooding. You're also at risk if your near a body of water, such as a lake or a river. You're especially at risk near the ocean.
Establish an evacuation route. That is, know the best ways in and out of your neighborhood and other areas of the city when it's flooded. You'll need to stick to higher ground if you need to evacuate. Also, have a planned meeting place for your family members if you get separated. Have the plan written down. Go over it together so everyone knows what to do.
The best way to plan an evacuation route is to use flood maps, which will show where the worst flooding will be in your area.
When planning your evacuation route, have an established place to go. For instance, you can set up a plan with a friend ahead of time to evacuate to his or her house, or go to your workplace if it is out of the flood zone. Many communities also have areas designated for emergencies where you can go.
During bad weather, pay attention to updates from your local emergency management agency so you know whether you should evacuate or stay in place.
Teach your kids how to respond to an emergency. That is, show them the emergency numbers you have displayed in your home. Show them how to dial the numbers, and go over what they need to say in an emergency. Also, have a safety contact in the neighborhood that they can go to if they have a problem. Establish an out-of-state contact. Designate one person who is not in the immediate area as the person your family checks in with. That way, at least one person will have all the information who is not in immediate danger. Include your pets. When thinking about how you will evacuate, don't forget to include your pets in your plan. Have enough carriers for all your pets so that you can evacuate them with you if needed. Carries keep pets contained so you can evacuate them without harming them.
Don't forget to include other items for your pets. They'll need containers for food and water, as well as food and their normal medications if you evacuate. Remember, not all emergency shelters will allow pets. Also, try to take something that will remind them of home, such as a toy or blanket.
If you must stay in your home, move your pets to the highest point in the house with you.
Buy flood insurance. If possible, buy flood insurance so that you can recover from the damage of flooding. If you live in an area with low risk, insurance shouldn't be too expensive. If you live in an area with higher risk, it will be more expensive, but it will be worth it if flooding ever destroys your home. In fact, you are required to have it in a high risk area if you have a federally insured loan.
You can get insurance through a federal program, the National Flood Insurance Program, by filling out forms on their website.
Preparing an Emergency Box for Evacuation
Pack a 3-day supply of food and water. For water, that means packing enough for each person to have a gallon per day. For food, pack non-perishable foods like canned goods that you don't need to cook. Keep these supplies in a waterproof container.
Don't forget to include a can opener with your food, as well as some disposable utensils for eating.
Also, remember your pets need to eat and drink, too, so take them into account.
Include the proper tools and items. You'll need a multipurpose tool that includes items like a screwdriver and knife. You also need extra phone chargers and a spare set of keys. Keep hygiene supplies in your box. Keep a first aid kit in your box, along with a supply of soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, and other toiletry items. Antibacterial hand wipes are also good to keep on hand. Include items to protect yourself from the elements. These items can include things such as sunscreen, bug spray, emergency blankets, and rain boots. Keep items on hand to stay informed. That is, have a weather radio with extra batteries. You'll also need to keep friends and family informed, as well, so remember to have emergency contact information on hand.
Readying Your Home and Documents in Advance
Avoid building in a flood plain. As noted earlier in the article, you can ask the your county planning department about the frequency of flooding at a potential building site. If you have no choice about where you build and you're located in a flooding area, you need to build an elevated, reinforced house to protect against flooding.
It's a good idea to build at least 2 ft (0.61 m) above the minimum elevation required in your area.
Lift major appliances and electrical outlets. Your furnace, air conditioner, electrical unit, and hot water should all be lifted above the ground to keep them from being flooded. Also, electrical outlets and wiring should be a foot above any flooding that's likely. You should have a professional perform these tasks. Create copies of important documents. Make sure you have copies of all of your insurance policies, pictures of your possessions and home, and any other important documents in a safe place. You either need to keep them in a waterproof box in your home or in a safety deposit box. Put in a sump pump. A sump pump pumps out collected water, usually in basements. If you're home is prone to flooding, put one in your home, and be sure it has a battery back up in case your electricity goes out. Have back-flow valves installed in drains, toilets, and sinks. These valves prevent flood waters from coming up into the drains. Create blockades for water. Have a professional evaluate your home and create barriers around your home that will prevent water from entering your house.
Use sandbags to block the water from entering your home.
Check your gutters to make sure they're clear—if they can't effectively move water away from your home, you'll be more likely to have water damage.
Waterproof basement walls. If you have a basement, have the walls sealed with a waterproof sealer, which will help keep water out of that area.
Readying Your Home When Floods Arrive
Pull out the radio. Turn on the weather radio for reports on flooding in the area so you can stay informed. Turn off your power. If you have standing water, turn off the electricity by flipping the main breaker switch to your house's electricity. You should also turn it off if you plan to leave when there is flooding or if you see power lines on the ground. Turn off the gas if you are evacuating. The gas should have a shut off near the street or up against the house, depending on the type you have. You should locate it ahead of time. Generally, you turn the handle a quarter of a turn until it is perpendicular to the pipe to shut off the gas. You'll need a crescent wrench to make the turn. Turn off your water if you are evacuating. Your water valve should be near your water meter, unless you are in a cold area, in which case it will be inside. Usually, you will need to turn a small valve to the right several times to turn it off. Fill sinks and bathtubs with clean water if you are staying. Wash the areas with a bleach solution, and rinse them clean. Fill them up to have clean water available to you. Also fill up any other pitchers or containers you have with water. Secure outdoor items. If you have furniture or grills, bring them inside or tie them down to secure them. Move important items to higher ground. If you have enough warning, move any important items, such as electronics or valuable furniture to higher ground, such as upstairs or in the attic. Article Source
Have you ever wanted to grow your own grapes? Grapevines are both beautiful and useful, and are one of the oldest plants to be cultivated. Grapes are typically reproduced from cuttings or grafts; however, if you are determined (it's hard!) and patient (it takes a long time!), you can grow grapes from seeds. Read on to learn how to do it.
Selecting Your Grape Seeds
Choose the right variety. There are thousands of grape varieties in the world. For the greatest success in growing grapes, choose the variety that will work best for you. Do some research on grape varieties, while keeping the following in mind:
Your reasons for growing grapes. You may want to eat the fruit, make jam, make wine, or just add the beauty of grapevines to your yard. Find out which varieties are best for your intended purpose.
Your climate conditions. Different varieties of grapes are better suited to certain geographic areas and climate conditions. Learn about grapes that are known to perform well in your area.
Natural variation among grapes grown from seed. There are some genetic differences even among grapes of the same type, so the grapes you grow may not turn out exactly the way you expect. Go into your project with an open mind, and be prepared to experiment.
Obtain the grape seeds. Once you identify the variety of grapes you want to grow, get your seeds. You can get them from grapes you've purchased, from a nursery, from your yard's wild grapevines (in some areas), or from another gardener. Ensure the seeds are viable. Examine the seeds to make sure they are healthy and in good condition. Squeeze the seed gently between two fingers. A healthy seed is firm to the touch.
Look at the seed's color. In a healthy grape seed, you will be able to see a pale gray or white endosperm under the seed coat.
Put them in water. Healthy, viable seeds will sink when placed in water. Discard any seeds that float.
Readying Your Seeds for Growth
Prepare the seeds. Take the viable seeds and wash them thoroughly to remove any pulp or other matter. Soak them in a small amount of distilled water for up to 24 hours. Stratify your seeds. Many seeds require a period of cold, moist conditions to begin the germination process. In nature, this is achieved when seeds sit in the ground over the winter. You can mimic these conditions through the process of stratification. For grape seeds, the best time to begin stratification is in December (the northern hemisphere winter).
Prepare a bed for your seeds. Fill an airtight bag or other capsule with a soft medium like wet paper towels or sand, vermiculite or peat moss that has been dampened. Peat moss is the best choice for grape seeds because its anti-fungal properties will help eliminate seed-damaging mold.
Tuck the seeds into the bed. Cover them with about 1/2" (1.25 cm) of growing medium.
Refrigerate the seeds. The ideal temperature for stratification is a steady 35-40 ºF (1-3 ºC), so the refrigerator is a good place for this process. Keep the seeds refrigerated for two to three months. Do not allow them to freeze.
Plant your seeds. In early spring, remove the seeds from the refrigerator and plant them in pots filled with good soil. Plant seeds individually in small pots, or in larger pots with at least 1 1/2" (3.8 cm) between them.
Make sure your seeds stay warm enough. To properly germinate, the seeds need daytime temperatures of at least 70ºF (20ºC) and nighttime temperatures around 60ºF (15ºC). Use a greenhouse or warming mats to keep your seeds at the correct temperature.
Keep the soil moist but not too wet. Mist the surface with a fine spray of water when it starts to look dry.
Check for growth. Grape seeds typically take between 2-8 weeks to sprout.
Transplant your seedlings. When your seedlings have grown to about 3" (8 cm), transplant them to 4" (10 cm) pots. For the healthiest plants, keep your seedlings indoors or in a greenhouse until they have reached a height of 12" (30 cm), have a good network of roots and have at least 5-6 leaves.
Moving Your Grapevines Outdoors
Select a good location for your grapevines. To thrive, grapevines need the right amount of sun, proper drainage and a form of support.
Choose a sunny spot. Grapes need 7-8 hours of full sun daily for best results.
Make sure you have plenty of space. Space your plants about 8' (2.5 m) apart to allow for growth.
Prepare your soil before planting. Grapes require well drained soil. If you have clay or other poorly drained soil, augment it with decomposed compost, sand or other soil amendments to increase drainage. Alternatively, use a raised bed filled with a good sandy loam mixed with compost.
Check the pH of your soil before planting your grapes. Different types of grapes thrive best with different soil pH levels (5.5-6.0 for natives, 6.0-6.5 for hybrids, and 6.5-7.0 for vinifera), so it is best to either plant in an area with a pH level in the right range, or adjust your soil’s pH before planting.
If you are planning to grow grapes for wine, be aware that different types of soil (e.g., sandy, silty, rich in limestone, or rich in clay) will affect the flavor of the wine.
Fertilize your grapes after planting. Two weeks after planting, add a small amount of 10-10-10 fertilizer to the soil around the base of your young plants. Repeat this process once per year every spring after that. Properly support your grapes. Grapevines need a trellis or arbor for proper support. The first year in the vineyard (2 years after starting from seed), when your plants are still small, stakes will be sufficient to support them and keep them off the ground. As they grow, you will need to train them to the trellis or arbor. Tie the tip of the shoots to the wire, and allow it to grow along the wire. Take proper care of your plants, and prepare to wait. Grapevines take up to three years to start producing fruit. During that time, proper care and training of your plants is essential for the best fruit yield.
Year One: Watch for growth. Choose the strongest three shoots on the plant and allow those to grow. Pinch off all others. The three remaining shoots will grow stronger and more vigorous.
Year Two: Fertilize using a balance fertilizer. Remove flower clusters as they emerge; allowing the vine to fruit this early will deplete its energy. Remove any buds or shoots that grow below the three main ones you selected the prior year. Prune properly. Loosely tie long shoots to the arbor or trellis.
Year Three: Continue fertilizing and removing low buds and shoots. During this year, you can allow a few flower clusters to remain and produce a small crop of grapes.
Year Four and Later: Continue fertilizing and pruning. This year and thereafter, you can let all the flower clusters fruit if you wish.
As you prune, be aware that grapes will fruit on one-year-old wood (i.e., wood that grew during the previous season).
Tips
Don't expect your seeds to yield the exact type of grapes they came from. You might be surprised at the result!
Grape seeds can be held in stratification for a long time (even years), as the seeds will remain dormant in these conditions.
If your seeds do not sprout on your first try, return them to stratification and try again the next season.
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